It creeps up in me like the drawing of a shield and sword. Like protection from an attempt to blanket my reality with another's. It's a silence that says so much and so little. A silence that knows how much needs to be said... but a silence that is scared to do so. Instead, the words come out blockish and mechanical. Like the doors are closed, and the walls are up, and only the security system's automated voice can speak.
But what about when what you experience feels so different from the rest? When there's nothing to bounce it off of?
I realized recently something I had been hiding from myself. Which is that I've always felt a profound feeling of isolation and loneliness in my life. I felt so different from everyone. From going vegetarian at 7, meditating in the forest when I was 11, resolving fights with friends at 12, experiencing deep and unearthly love and connection with everything, talking about a mysterious "they" who watch over me with my grandmother at 13, describing the way certain things felt in strange ways, and so on until my age now... I felt nothing other than different. Not because of the things I experienced... I loved them. I felt connected to the universe and everything around me. I had amazing feelings.
No, it wasn't the experiences... it was because of how others reacted when I would experience these things. I've gotten so many mixed reactions... And I feel it's either because people couldn't relate, or couldn't understand me. People could only understand to the extent they could perceive, and emotional walls are a major obstacle to even mental understanding. When you don't have anyone to mirror your experiences, you feel alone in your reality. Others are there, but they can't see in. When someone shows up who's conscious, and other's response ranges from amaze to rage to trepidation, reality becomes unpredictable. You don't know if you can or should share anymore. You come to the assumption that you don't know what's safe. And while some responded well... I shared music I found heart-warming and I would hear, "You listen to old-people music." I would tell people that love was stronger than anything, and they'd say "What a load of bullshit." I wouldn't go to parties, and people thought that was weird. Constant and circumstantial moving between schools and states, and parental habits only furthered my feelings of isolation. There's a myriad of experiences I feel echoing in me so deeply on replay.
Sometimes... I felt like a treasure chest never opened. For this reason, others could only dream of my internal reality. And sometimes... I wondered if the gold in that treasure chest turned to coal since that's what it seemed other's thought was there. And at some point, I just decided to remain invisible, placing a lock over my own mouth.
I've often thought... there's nothing in this universe but love. Everything else is a lack in loving perspective. But of course, from the human standpoint (individual ego), these things are very real. And of course... exhibiting true empathy means that you realize you and everyone has a reason to feel the way they do given their experiences and triggers too. That is unconditional love. But when our own individual trauma deals with isolation, seeing loveless perception in others is especially disheartening and isolating.
This is how I found myself today... isolated, and downright frustrated. I see the doctors walk in and out of offices. Women sitting at desks browsing computers. All is good and well for me when I go to the doctor and it stays on the physical level, but of course it didn't. You may know (or may not know or believe) that all physical things originally have an emotional cause (with the exception of soul contracts). The energy in the emotional body builds and affects areas where there has been a lack of "love" or "life-force" which is Source or anything else you want to call it. These often manifest as negative feelings, but even subconscious feelings (and those we deny) that are left un-resolved can manifest lack of health. Lack of love = lack of health. We live in a universe where everything affects everything else. We have yet to realize this as a species, and because of that, it feels like things can happen to us "out of the blue" with no cause whatsoever. This is the belief that has tortured humanity, and so they come up with reasons like "karma" or "God's punishment". It drives the very powerlessness we feel in our lives. That belief, and the belief whatever does create our reality (be that reality itself as an unpredictable random series of events) wants us to suffer, hurt us very much.
So why did I bring this up? Because no matter what it is I'm experiencing, the emotional cause must be dealt with. In my case, isolation. And isolation in feeling overlooked, unheard, and not taken seriously. What happened is I go to the doctor with symptoms, I get some small tests by the first doctor to check my health, then I'm sent to the gynecologist within the next hour. All was well and good until, of course, she says "It's probably just anxiety" without having done any exam. That alone sends up my wall. I'm well acquainted with the physical affects of anxiety. We're in the same space, but occupy two different realities. I'm living in the reality "I'm in serious pain and I know it's more than just anxiety" and she's living in the reality "Oh, I don't need to examine this healthy 20 year-old girl, she probably just doesn't know how to manage her stress." Even if it just anxiety... the problem here is the distance.
She says instantly, "We can assign you anti-depressants here." I explain that I'm aware of the affects of anxiety and my (physical) symptoms began with a particular traumatic experience, but I felt very strongly there was more to it than just anxiety. She asks me what kind of experience. I freeze. I almost completely forget what I'm saying because there's no explaining the kind of experience I had, especially to a doctor, without sounding like a complete loon. As amazing all the things I've experienced are... the intuition, unconditional love, and incredible universal knowledge, involving yourself in the spirit realm is not without risk. And it is with this risk, that when I slipped into my human darkness so deeply, I became a vibrational match to a negative thought form which merge it's energy into my body's sacral center. So... I guess it's out of the closet. Without saying any of this to her (psychological death sentence in the mainstream medical system), I wince and reluctantly ask her whether she knows the term extrasensory perception, and she asks "Is that the same as synesthesia?" There's no further discussion of the word, and she finishes again telling me about anxiety.
When the emotional cause is something that our current society cannot address, something so outside the realm of normality, you feel like there's nowhere to turn. Not to mention the fact that conventional psychology still doesn't have a complete grip on finding the root cause of anxiety, depression, etc. and are so quick to prescribe symptom-suppressing medication. There's a huge lack of mirroring in our world. I often feel I cannot talk seriously about certain spiritual experiences, traumatic or enlightening, because people seem to have little knowledge or understanding of it. When I feel the love of the universe pour into me, and talk about the miracles of love, or talk about my experiences with spirit guides, I'm "pollyanna" or "manic." When I feel the heaviness of my triggers or experiences, I'm "psychotic." When will the labeling stop? When will the world really try to understand people who are extrasensory?
So yeah, I'm frustrated. Frustrated at the lack of integration of important knowledge like this into the medical field. Frustrated that because of the lack of knowledge, people are labeled instead. Frustrated that people aren't attuned to one another. Frustrated that the mental health and food and medicine and pharmaceutical systems are all split up. Frustrated that people's intuition is taken for granted and overlooked. Frustrated that people are paid to keep people out of sickness, rather than maintain health. Frustrated at the lack of understanding cause and effect. Frustrated that we loose our intuition underneath the words of others. Frustrated that we're trained out of who we are. Frustrated that we are trained to be only what's "acceptable". Frustrated that when you struggle with anxiety or depression, it's seen as though there's something "wrong" with your nervous system when in fact there's everything right with it. Frustrated that there's a whole field of work dedicated to helping people "cope" in a world that we should really be changing. Frustrated that because of all these things... no one understands each other and it create's the ultimate disconnect.
That's right... if you're anxious or depressed, there's everything right with you, because we break the mold of the mind-numbing societal systems. There's everything right with you, because your nervous system is a finely tuned instrument sensitive to the most subtle changes. I'm not saying that anxiety or depression is good... I'm saying we live in a world where the conditions are right to cause anxiety and depression!
When who you are is unconventional, and your experiences out of the ordinary, you feel the weight of your own being sink into you. Those of us who came here to help the world with these problems... simultaneously feel like we came before our time. Sometimes... we just feel like we're on distant clouds, or invisible. "Sensitive people are the sensors, the alarms, the sirens of the world" and right now, we are telling them that change is necessary in this over-stimulating, fast-paced, mechanical world (Yvonne Whitelaw). Today, I speak up for other extrasensory people, sensitives, to say that I'm with you. You are not alone, and this is a tough world for people like you and me... but don't sacrifice your inner knowing, truth, or experiences because of the way you are perceived by others. Even if it feels like you've been lost from that part of yourself, you're not. You may feel powerless to change things in the world right now, and you may feel the heaviness of that for a good reason... but when we stand together, we realize that we really can do it. The right people are there, if we put ourselves in the right places and if we can learn to trust again. May the strength of our hearts grow, grow and learn from the depths of our despair and loneliness in our camaraderie. Together, may we open the heart of the world that couldn't understand us. And more important than anything...
"Leave safety behind. Put your body on the line. Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind--even if your voice shakes. When you least expect it, someone may actually listen to what you have to say. Well-aimed slingshots can topple giants." -Maggie Kuhn
So, let me share with you today, something that warms my heart... and may the light within us both nurture and bring compassion. We need both darkness and light to propel us forward through this journey called life. May both of these... give you the strength shared by having hope.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ywLuLn56bQ&index=21&list=PLH7NDzTTIhpyloaIMMf1l6_YylnJ9RhQd
