The Why

It's happening again.... The same as my many previous schools, places I've gone, people I've lived with... And I'm stuck again in the why. I find it incredible that many times that I'm inspired to write that it's from a place of struggle. But this time it's a small-big feeling, a little child swaying on a swing so large. It shouldn't be this hard... that much I know. But for me at least, it is, and so it is.

It's the same feeling... different, left out, set apart. Sometimes I feel like I've lived a good part of my life in my own bubble. I didn't grow up around many kids, and so I never understood how people my age thought or interacted. I still don't really. It's not social anxiety... Many times I'm fine with people, it's more that the waterfall of weirdness I bring forth is probably awkward. I think some people are more absorbed into the bubble we call society. The with people... the cued in.

A part of me thinks, "Be wierd, freak people out, because you're only truly living when you're living honestly." There's nothing more painful than feeling like you have to hide or change who you are. But there's nothing more terrifying that feeling isolated and alone. I almost feel set up that these two needs would be forever at war.

The cycle that has begun to repeat again is different this time... Because this is the time that I realize it's happening again. And because it's happening again... this time, I have the opportunity to truthfully ask myself why.

Is because the food I eat is different?
Why does my voice drown out in a conversation?
Is my attempt at kindness a hindrance?
Am I annoying?
Is it because I look calm when I'm anxious?
Because I'm too chill to be upset or hurt?
Because trying to understand the strange functioning of weird people's lives is too inconvenient?

I know others have talked about me, I know they probably will in the future. A part of me thinks, "Let them talk. You can't control it anyway." Surfaces and skins and tinted shades of reality is all it is. Just perspectives, even if they're not true. People aren't bad, or mean, or ill-willed... they are misinformed. On some level, I desperately wish I knew why it was so hard to connect. I honestly try, I do.

If we don't connect, I could leave it at that...
But I want to be someone who can connect with anyone. Is the why the why am I not?

Is it even because I think like this? Deeply?
Because I feel like this? Deeply?

I'm too deep. Too serious... too thinking. But I know that. And I don't care because I like that... and I don't want to change. I love living my life on the edge of the deep end. But why is it so lonely here?

Is the why the why?

Today I'm only asking myself questions. I feel a dawn of transformation. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm beginning to trust the feet that pull me one step in front of the other.

A Tree That Grows Alone (Hyper-Responsibility and It's Relationship with Isolation)

The nature of our suffering is often relational. That is, the majority of the painful things we experience would not exist without having had an interaction with another person or being. With some traumas, it's easy to see the exact cause. For example, the cause of a person's trigger may be apparent when someone has had an incoming boundary violation, like sexual or physical abuse. But other times, trauma is more about things that did not happen, that we actually needed to happen. The things that were not done or said.

Isolation and early attachment trauma are examples of the latter. And, I honestly feel like it's with these traumas that it becomes difficult to pinpoint what exactly hurt so bad, because... well... while we can find some singular events that involve neglect, a lot of isolation trauma is purely emotional in nature. Because of this, it involves abstract things and is more of a "developed experience" than a single event.

I want to talk about a very covert and specific coping mechanism in relation to isolation and attachment trauma that was both enlightening and disheartening to recently learn about.

Responsibility, most would agree, is generally a good thing. It can be empowering to learn that through responsibility, we have control over our own thoughts and emotions. Taking responsibility indicates self-awareness, respect and compassion for others, and a willingness to own the creation of your experiences. But how can this be a problem?

Sometimes this "taking responsibility" is in fact a hyper-responsibility complex because we feel that we cannot rely on other people emotionally. We had a lack of emotional mirroring in our childhood, or were even blamed for presenting or talking about our emotions. This probably made us angry because we felt abandoned emotionally due to the underlying hurt of being invalidated. We felt like this person didn't even care about our own experiences or feelings, but when we expressed that anger, that too was invalidated.

As a result, we began to feel ashamed and retreat into ourselves. We direct what happened inward, and began to feel only as good as others reacted to us. We determined that it's our fault or that we were wrong to feel the way we did, and regardless if the other person did or said something hurtful. And the reasons we come to this conclusion can be various (which may differ person to person):

• The reality of what we experienced or went through was so painful or scary that we couldn't integrate it into our current reality.

• On a biological level, when we are young, we haven't fully developed a sense of self separate from our parents. 

• It is less painful to blame ourselves than to believe someone in our lives lacked in loving action or perception. 

• It may literally have been unsafe (emotionally or physically) to place responsibility where it was due and so we blame ourselves instead. 

• The only way to secure connection with this person or these people was to become hyper-responsible.

In this dynamic you develop the world view that not only are your feelings unimportant, but that they actually hurt others. Your authentic expression is instead explained as your own lack of compassion or consideration from others, because telling someone how you felt or how something affected you is called judgmental or rude. As a result, you learned that it was important to be compassionate and present to others, but that you don't deserve compassion or presence from them. You stopped talking about how you felt and developed the idea that not only are your emotions to be dealt with on your own, but that even if someone had done something hurtful, you had to deal with it and take responsibility alone. We learned that we had to "move on and deal with it." Giving up on yourself was the only means by which you could still feel connection, or feel valued. Congratulations! You have successfully become a self-sacrificer! (Jk... well, not really.)

Emotional hyper-responsibility is a coping mechanism developed in childhood, and even nurtured or approved of in our current society. We are considered commendable for being such a responsible person, or such a good person for being open-hearted, when it is in fact passive and codependent behavior. It keeps us in the light of being "good," but it's not always because you are maliciously trying to manipulate others into thinking you're good (although it certainly can happen). A lot of the time, you are simply afraid of being punished because of how you were originally treated when you shared your authentic experiences.

It can be empowering to learn that we have control over our own thoughts and emotions, our reality. It can be empowering to take responsibility. But emotional hyper-responsibility is in fact our way of trying to be brave, strong, or independent when deep down we really feel horribly lonely and desperate for connection and understanding. At some point, the energy of being a hyper-responsible perfectionist wears out because of the despair and need for connection that is at your core. It is inevitable that you will experience a kind of crash and burn when it is exposed within you that your motivations are from a deep lack. The drawbacks to the coping mechanism will become evident and you may feel triggered back into a combination of shame and anger because you simply cannot do it anymore. You've been driven to the point that change is no longer a choice. Transformation is necessary to continue living a good life. You will have to face that shame and anger, and learn to place responsibility where it's due. Emotional hyper-responsibility also robs other people of the opportunity to develop and learn, and you will need to develop healthier relationships. Without being open and real with other people, you aren't giving them the opportunity to fully embrace, understand, and love you for who you are.

Ironically, while I know that this post has been written in part to help others and share something that's been illuminated within me, a part of me has also written it as a part of my own hyper-responsibility complex. I'm a naturally curious and serious person and I get frustrated when I can't understand something be it in a situation, within myself, or another person. Since I struggle with the exact circumstances described above (my own life experiences are an inspiration for my writing and art), the part of me that is still obsessed with hyper-responsibility is constantly evaluating myself, my life, and my psyche to make sure that I'm "doing it right." Thus, this blog. While I felt so much of the damage I've felt because of this kick up when writing, I also laugh a little at it all.

So, what do you do? How can we change hyper-responsible tendencies so that you take responsibility for what is only your part, and develop true connection with people who are accountable and empathetic? The questions and ideas below are food for thought, but remember to always answer questions internally. Only you will ultimately know the answer, and just because I mention one reason or another for a coping mechanism, it doesn't mean they are your reasons.

1. What am I trying to avoid by using hyper-responsibility? What would be so bad if the other person was responsible?

This may have to do with the core trauma surrounding your emotions and responsibility, or an entirely new idea you've developed over time about being hyper-responsible. Are you afraid you will suffer condemnation rejection if you tell someone how you feel? Are you afraid of telling the truth about something they did because you will be punished? Are you so afraid of loosing connection that you don't feel you have a choice (which, on the contrary, actually makes you feel alone in your reality)? Am I using hyper-responsibility to punish myself because deep down I feel guilty? Do I get to avoid feeling ashamed of myself if I just "buck up" and take responsibility?

I know... it's not easy. But a lot of the time we use hyper-responsibility to avoid the guilt and shame surrounding expressing what we feel to others. By becoming aware of what we are trying to avoid by being hyper-responsible, we can address that trauma directly by comforting and then re-evaluating these fears. We can find proof that helps to ease our fears about connecting with others in an honest way, and that taking responsibility for only our part will actually improve our relationships.

2. What do I get out of hyper-responsibility?

We don't engage in a coping mechanism unless we get something out of it. Is it the feeling that you are being brave, good, or strong, by dealing with things alone? Are you addicted to the idea of being the sensible hero that takes things upon themselves? Is it because it gives you a sense of control over your reality because it's better to blame yourself than feel powerless? Do I feel like I get to make up for something by taking hyper-responsibility?

Naturally, when we are able to let go of what we think we are getting out of being hyper-responsible, we free ourselves to see a larger picture and establish better relationships.

3. Set boundaries.

Now... this won't be easy. I was recently listening to a podcast by the psychologist Ross Rosenburg about taking steps out of codependency. He talks about how psychologists should give clients a Surgeon General's Warning for the first steps out of codependency because it is just that tough. He notes that when you first begin to set boundaries, it is NOT easy. Even the idea of setting a boundary may send you into extreme fear, anxiety, or depression. People (both those who really love you, and those who don't) will get very angry. You will feel resentful after you realize just how badly you've been affected by codependency, and it may be difficult to manage the onslaught.

Long story short, it is not an easy stage of transformation. But setting boundaries will be one of the first steps in setting yourself free to live a better life.

4. Find people in your life, or develop new relationships with which you can authentically share your experiences without fear of being put down. True connection and healthy relationships are symbiotic. That is, you meet each other's needs in a way that neither person has to give something up. Being heard and understood, as well as hearing and understanding the other is absolutely crucial to true intimacy.

5. As hard as it sounds, see if there is the opportunity for repair in the relationships you are in currently by allowing others the opportunity to become aware of how you feel, and own up to their actions. You may be surprised when you hear their point of view on the relationship, too. It's crazy how lot of intense conflict can result out of pure misunderstanding, at which point difficulties can be dissipated and cleared.

6. Become aware of what narcissistic-codependent relationships look like, and avoid interacting with people who trigger your tendency to take hyper-responsibility.

6. Practice developing trust within yourself and with other people.

One reason a person may take hyper-responsibility is because they need to feel a sense of control. It is a safety issue. They have been betrayed time and time again. They don't trust the people around them, the world, or the universal flow. A friend and I recently were talking about this inability to trust others and why, even when we are being open and are comfortable with people we identify as close friends, there is still a lack of deep trust. It's important to understand that trust and connection are mentalities. No physical action can actually "make you trust," it is a practice that we must continually exercise within ourselves so that we are open and receptive to others, and they to us. Practice trust within yourself and with other people by using meditations, visualizations, or any other practice that brings your closer together in love.

I find that closing my eyes makes me anxious at times of meditation. If this is the case for you, don't do it! There isn't a right or wrong way to meditate. Your mind is a creative tool. Use it in ways that are meditative to you. It could be the simple power of focus, such as writing down what trust feels like to you. Even cleaning could be meditative. Or when you are in a room with a friend, imagining your hearts connecting with a beautiful green fabric between them. Imagine you both being open to each other and the energy flowing seamlessly. Focus on the ways you already trust someone or people, and if it feels safe, hugging them. Imagine them holding your hand. Or better, be brave enough to ask them to meet that need for trust and connection in real life. There are many ways to do this.

7. Remember the serenity prayer.

This is a great little piece of wisdom for anyone who's seeking help with letting go of the impulse to control, and easing self-blame. It has stuck with me since I first learned about it as a child:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Practice this by really being honest with yourself about what you can and can't change in your life, using the wisdom within you to know the difference. When you let go of a need to control what you can't change (accept the things you cannot change), you also let go of responsibility for things that are not yours and thereby allow yourself to create a better life by developing new and healthy relationships or relationship dynamics (changing the things you can).

8. Let yourself grieve, then let yourself love. Remember that you are not alone.

It is heartbreaking to realize that you have felt alone for so long due to this relationship dynamic. Especially as a young child, we just couldn't understand why people would be so hurtful. It is natural to feel sad that you couldn't get the validation, sensitivity, or understanding that you needed... the connection that you needed. When you feel grief, embrace it and acknowledge that it's normal to feel that way because you are grieving the initial lack or loss of connection.

Simultaneously, (and when it feels right) allow yourself to focus on the idea that you don't have to hold everything in, and you're not alone. Everyone has feelings, and healing together with others can be a great blessing. Allow the Universe (or whatever you believe in) to comfort and hold you. After we have given ourselves compassion, and connected with others in an empathic and compassionate way, it's easier to then step into the awareness that it is hurt people who hurt people. People treat others the way they have been treated... and the way they treat themselves. Knowing this makes it easier to forgive. 

I'm searching for these opportunities myself, and I hope this could relate to some of you. I hope it will help you in your own lives to develop true connection with others. Peace.

The Rainfall's Misty Ponds (Suffering, Acceptance, and The Role Compassion)

For a long time, self-love and positive focus have been the hallmarks of a spiritual, awakened, and happy life. And for good reason. There are amazing stories of people getting back on their feet after periods of depression and bouts of anxiety. It is influential, powerful, and transforming to realize that Love is the Truth of the universe.

Ironically, it is in the wake of these realizations, we understand the role that suffering plays. When we can see clearly enough through the eyes of love, suffering is a beautiful gift. It is suffering that gives such deep understanding of love. It might be confusing, and ironic, to look at suffering as beautiful... After all, when we are in our suffering, the last thing we want to hear is it's benefits. In the same way, when we have experienced devastation or loss, we do not want to hear of it's potential benefits. This feels like abuse, and unloving. We look at the universe as if it's punishing us out of "goodness" which makes us feel like we can't trust it and it's not on our side. It's similar to when someone does something that hurts us only to say, "It's for your own good." This kind of abuse from others or self-abuse can be confusing especially when we start to confuse love with things that punish and hurt us.

Simultaneously, we do not want to hear from other's to "pull ourselves together" or that we "just need to love ourselves" or that we "just need to empower ourselves". In our lowest of low, these just deepen the chasm within us. If we hate ourselves, we hate ourselves more for feeling powerless and incapable to complete these tasks. Our self-hate makes us see ourselves as less because we're not feeling that self-love.

It's time for us to understand that universal understanding and Truth can be used in different ways. When we are in our pain, we are stunted. It makes us emotionally, and often mentally, blind to the highest and loving perspectives. So maybe, the question is not about how we can get ourselves to the highest of perspectives. It's not a "race" or "more spiritual" to be or feel a certain way. Maybe the question is, what is loving from where I am right now? What is the next loving step? Or, if pertaining to a fellow human being, what is most loving to this person's current reality?

An answer to these grueling times might be... Love is gentle. Love is soft, and love really cares for you, always and forever. Love doesn't want you to suffer.

Love can think that suffering is beautiful, and love can also not want you to suffer! This is love because love... takes many forms. We might call the first acceptance love, and the second compassion love.

If you continue to develop oneness you experience only light and love, this much is true. That is the whole of all things. Darkness is only the lack of light, not a real and separate thing. It is a perspective, and just as valid, just not the ultimate truth of our being. I've been recently reading A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, and there's a part of it I love:

"'The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.' When we think with love, we are literally co-creating with God. And when we're not thinking with love, since only love is real, then we're actually not thinking at all. We're hallucinating. And that's what this world is: a mass hallucination, where fear seems more real that love. Fear is an illusion. Our craziness, paranoia, anxiety and trauma are literally all imagined. That is not to say they don't exist for us as human beings. They do. But our fear is not our ultimate reality and it does not replace the truth of who we really are. Our love, which is our real self, doesn't die, but simply goes underground."

However, while in the 3rd dimension often we have little or no access to that which is beyond the veil. When we integrate into Source perspective, we integrate our 3rd dimensional perspective with other universal truths that we cannot see from that level of reality. And thus, we realize and feel deep unconditional love, which relieves our human perspectives of pain and suffering. Accepting this higher reality helps us accept our suffering--acceptance love.

Simultaneously, when we come into Source perspective, we become inclusive to the whole through love as well... which is exhibited by our capacity for deep compassion for the suffering of others. Compassion is a form of love, and perhaps the one most needed in our or other's darkest times. Compassion love, like acceptance love, still sees beyond the painful 3D realities. But compassion love recognizes the need to comfort the disturbed from the wildest and most heartbreaking illusions developed in this world. Compassion love knows the steps to take, if you let it. In this form, it is known what is needed by Source (be it within you, the person next to you, or non-tangible energy) because the love of the universe within them speaks out for their own understanding and desires. This form of love, compassion, is not a teacher telling you to be grateful for your suffering. It understands that they are in no position for this truth, but not because they feel the person's suffering. Love cannot suffer, because it's love! We feel compassion because we know how real our or their pain must feel, even if it is not. Compassion is to understand the heaviness of our or another's experience, and a desire to relieve it. But this is not through the eyes of suffering. This is not through the eyes of sadness, or fear, or an anxiety to change it. Thus, it is often that compassion precedes acceptance love.

All love is beyond positive and negative realities. Suffering and pain, and feeling suffering and pain is not love. Nor is resistance to feeling pain or suffering, because love does not run. It is everywhere in every moment.

As self-love deepens, you cannot love yourself deeply without also deeply loving the world around you. People who are self-loving who appear to isolate any form of negativity in their reality aren't loving either. It's not that we have to suffer with people. Instead, true and profound love is exhibited through compassion. Compassion is a hand to hold, a loving touch or embrace. Compassion also shows us the better paths, and paths to change.

Some nights, I feel grateful. Because I know that no matter what befalls me, the world, or others, everything will always be ok. Or even if I don't, I have my own words to help me remember. Because through the eyes of love, suffering is no longer suffering. Because just as the sun evaporates the rainfall's misty ponds, love evaporates suffering as it transforms into love. It transforms it into its highest form--the teacher.

On Distant Clouds (The Ultimate Disconnect)

It creeps up in me like the drawing of a shield and sword. Like protection from an attempt to blanket my reality with another's. It's a silence that says so much and so little. A silence that knows how much needs to be said... but a silence that is scared to do so. Instead, the words come out blockish and mechanical. Like the doors are closed, and the walls are up, and only the security system's automated voice can speak.

I recently found myself reading something written by Teal Swan I could relate to immensely... "What scares me most about life on Earth is how two people can occupy the same space or experience the exact same thing and yet not occupy the same reality or experience." Everyone's mind and psychology are different according to their personal triggers and experiences. This would be fine if we all had the capacity to really understand each other's perspectives. If everyone could feel empathy and experience different perceptions, we could step into each other's shoes. Some people are good at this to varying extents. It reminds me a little of another quote I heard somewhere, "There's not a single soul who wouldn't love you if they really understood you."

But what about when what you experience feels so different from the rest? When there's nothing to bounce it off of?

I realized recently something I had been hiding from myself. Which is that I've always felt a profound feeling of isolation and loneliness in my life. I felt so different from everyone. From going vegetarian at 7, meditating in the forest when I was 11, resolving fights with friends at 12, experiencing deep and unearthly love and connection with everything, talking about a mysterious "they" who watch over me with my grandmother at 13, describing the way certain things felt in strange ways, and so on until my age now... I felt nothing other than different. Not because of the things I experienced... I loved them. I felt connected to the universe and everything around me. I had amazing feelings.

No, it wasn't the experiences... it was because of how others reacted when I would experience these things. I've gotten so many mixed reactions... And I feel it's either because people couldn't relate, or couldn't understand me. People could only understand to the extent they could perceive, and emotional walls are a major obstacle to even mental understanding. When you don't have anyone to mirror your experiences, you feel alone in your reality. Others are there, but they can't see in. When someone shows up who's conscious, and other's response ranges from amaze to rage to trepidation, reality becomes unpredictable. You don't know if you can or should share anymore. You come to the assumption that you don't know what's safe. And while some responded well... I shared music I found heart-warming and I would hear, "You listen to old-people music." I would tell people that love was stronger than anything, and they'd say "What a load of bullshit." I wouldn't go to parties, and people thought that was weird. Constant and circumstantial moving between schools and states, and parental habits only furthered my feelings of isolation. There's a myriad of experiences I feel echoing in me so deeply on replay.

Sometimes... I felt like a treasure chest never opened. For this reason, others could only dream of my internal reality. And sometimes... I wondered if the gold in that treasure chest turned to coal since that's what it seemed other's thought was there. And at some point, I just decided to remain invisible, placing a lock over my own mouth.

I've often thought... there's nothing in this universe but love. Everything else is a lack in loving perspective. But of course, from the human standpoint (individual ego), these things are very real. And of course... exhibiting true empathy means that you realize you and everyone has a reason to feel the way they do given their experiences and triggers too. That is unconditional love. But when our own individual trauma deals with isolation, seeing loveless perception in others is especially disheartening and isolating.

This is how I found myself today... isolated, and downright frustrated. I see the doctors walk in and out of offices. Women sitting at desks browsing computers. All is good and well for me when I go to the doctor and it stays on the physical level, but of course it didn't. You may know (or may not know or believe) that all physical things originally have an emotional cause (with the exception of soul contracts). The energy in the emotional body builds and affects areas where there has been a lack of "love" or "life-force" which is Source or anything else you want to call it. These often manifest as negative feelings, but even subconscious feelings (and those we deny) that are left un-resolved can manifest lack of health. Lack of love = lack of health. We live in a universe where everything affects everything else. We have yet to realize this as a species, and because of that, it feels like things can happen to us "out of the blue" with no cause whatsoever. This is the belief that has tortured humanity, and so they come up with reasons like "karma" or "God's punishment". It drives the very powerlessness we feel in our lives. That belief, and the belief whatever does create our reality (be that reality itself as an unpredictable random series of events) wants us to suffer, hurt us very much.

So why did I bring this up? Because no matter what it is I'm experiencing, the emotional cause must be dealt with. In my case, isolation. And isolation in feeling overlooked, unheard, and not taken seriously. What happened is I go to the doctor with symptoms, I get some small tests by the first doctor to check my health, then I'm sent to the gynecologist within the next hour. All was well and good until, of course, she says "It's probably just anxiety" without having done any exam. That alone sends up my wall. I'm well acquainted with the physical affects of anxiety. We're in the same space, but occupy two different realities. I'm living in the reality "I'm in serious pain and I know it's more than just anxiety" and she's living in the reality "Oh, I don't need to examine this healthy 20 year-old girl, she probably just doesn't know how to manage her stress." Even if it just anxiety... the problem here is the distance.

She says instantly, "We can assign you anti-depressants here." I explain that I'm aware of the affects of anxiety and my (physical) symptoms began with a particular traumatic experience, but I felt very strongly there was more to it than just anxiety. She asks me what kind of experience. I freeze. I almost completely forget what I'm saying because there's no explaining the kind of experience I had, especially to a doctor, without sounding like a complete loon. As amazing all the things I've experienced are... the intuition, unconditional love, and incredible universal knowledge, involving yourself in the spirit realm is not without risk. And it is with this risk, that when I slipped into my human darkness so deeply, I became a vibrational match to a negative thought form which merge it's energy into my body's sacral center. So... I guess it's out of the closet. Without saying any of this to her (psychological death sentence in the mainstream medical system), I wince and reluctantly ask her whether she knows the term extrasensory perception, and she asks "Is that the same as synesthesia?" There's no further discussion of the word, and she finishes again telling me about anxiety.

When the emotional cause is something that our current society cannot address, something so outside the realm of normality, you feel like there's nowhere to turn. Not to mention the fact that conventional psychology still doesn't have a complete grip on finding the root cause of anxiety, depression, etc. and are so quick to prescribe symptom-suppressing medication. There's a huge lack of mirroring in our world. I often feel I cannot talk seriously about certain spiritual experiences, traumatic or enlightening, because people seem to have little knowledge or understanding of it. When I feel the love of the universe pour into me, and talk about the miracles of love, or talk about my experiences with spirit guides, I'm "pollyanna" or "manic." When I feel the heaviness of my triggers or experiences, I'm "psychotic." When will the labeling stop? When will the world really try to understand people who are extrasensory?

So yeah, I'm frustrated. Frustrated at the lack of integration of important knowledge like this into the medical field. Frustrated that because of the lack of knowledge, people are labeled instead. Frustrated that people aren't attuned to one another. Frustrated that the mental health and food and medicine and pharmaceutical systems are all split up. Frustrated that people's intuition is taken for granted and overlooked. Frustrated that people are paid to keep people out of sickness, rather than maintain health. Frustrated at the lack of understanding cause and effect. Frustrated that we loose our intuition underneath the words of others. Frustrated that we're trained out of who we are. Frustrated that we are trained to be only what's "acceptable". Frustrated that when you struggle with anxiety or depression, it's seen as though there's something "wrong" with your nervous system when in fact there's everything right with it. Frustrated that there's a whole field of work dedicated to helping people "cope" in a world that we should really be changing. Frustrated that because of all these things... no one understands each other and it create's the ultimate disconnect.

That's right... if you're anxious or depressed, there's everything right with you, because we break the mold of the mind-numbing societal systems. There's everything right with you, because your nervous system is a finely tuned instrument sensitive to the most subtle changes. I'm not saying that anxiety or depression is good... I'm saying we live in a world where the conditions are right to cause anxiety and depression!

When who you are is unconventional, and your experiences out of the ordinary, you feel the weight of your own being sink into you. Those of us who came here to help the world with these problems... simultaneously feel like we came before our time. Sometimes... we just feel like we're on distant clouds, or invisible. "Sensitive people are the sensors, the alarms, the sirens of the world" and right now, we are telling them that change is necessary in this over-stimulating, fast-paced, mechanical world (Yvonne Whitelaw). Today, I speak up for other extrasensory people, sensitives, to say that I'm with you. You are not alone, and this is a tough world for people like you and me... but don't sacrifice your inner knowing, truth, or experiences because of the way you are perceived by others. Even if it feels like you've been lost from that part of yourself, you're not. You may feel powerless to change things in the world right now, and you may feel the heaviness of that for a good reason... but when we stand together, we realize that we really can do it. The right people are there, if we put ourselves in the right places and if we can learn to trust again. May the strength of our hearts grow, grow and learn from the depths of our despair and loneliness in our camaraderie. Together, may we open the heart of the world that couldn't understand us. And more important than anything...

"Leave safety behind. Put your body on the line. Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind--even if your voice shakes. When you least expect it, someone may actually listen to what you have to say. Well-aimed slingshots can topple giants." -Maggie Kuhn

So, let me share with you today, something that warms my heart... and may the light within us both nurture and bring compassion. We need both darkness and light to propel us forward through this journey called life. May both of these... give you the strength shared by having hope.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ywLuLn56bQ&index=21&list=PLH7NDzTTIhpyloaIMMf1l6_YylnJ9RhQd