Every Flower Grows Differently (11 Reasons to Make Decisions Right for You Regardless of Other's Opinions)

Recently I wondered, what do people do when there are hard decisions to make and how does it pertain to making loving decisions? For a long time, the most loving decision has been taught as the one where no one gets hurt, and where there is compromise. But, how can you know what is loving if it seems inevitable that another will get hurt? What do you do when it seems like you have to choose between your emotions and another's?

After contemplating these questions, I found several reasons that choosing to do what is right for you regardless of other's think or feel is ultimately the most loving decision. Compromise and care to each person are great options, but can only go so far if it is causing one or each person to emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually sacrifice their own needs and desires.

A lot of us find it hard to make choices for ourselves if we think someone will be hurt, offended, disagree, or even hate us for it. On top of this social pressure, we also live in societies (which will differ based on where you grew up) that promote the idea that loving yourself is in fact selfish, wrong, or narcissistic, and that those who give or sacrifice are angels. We often shame selfishness, but glorify martyrdom. These kind of beliefs keep us in relationships and situations that we feel like we have to give up needs or desires to make the other person happy or the situation favorable. We begin people pleasing or "keeping the peace" at the cost of taking a step that might hurt but advance our lives immensely.

But what if the expansion of our consciousness as a human being is meant to make other's uncomfortable? Sometimes expansion for both people in a relationship means there will be an initial breakdown, or hard times, before change comes. 

What do we find when someone tries to change their life for the better, via the means of "breaking up with someone" or making a choice that may hurt another? They are confronted with guilt, shame, or even fear that they are being selfish/stubborn/stupid. They are having to choose better for themselves despite the others person's thoughts or feelings because the relationship is not benefiting themselves or anyone else.

Here are some reasons why you need to let go of the other person's perspective in order to make the decision that will not only benefit you, but quite contrarily, the other as well! Even if it hurts, sometimes the pathway to change is shaking everything up so that not changing is no longer an option.

1.  Your intentions for basing your decisions on other people's emotions or opinions may not be as pure as you think.

Our definition of love becomes distorted and misunderstood as it bends to what each society believes in this world. We often forget what ultimate, unconditional love really feels like (some sooner than others) and create our own version of what feels like love based on how we grew up and what we were taught. These versions of love are by no means worthless, but they are often conditional. Because of this forgetting, many things we call love are not. Conditional love says "I love you" meaning "I will continue to give love regardless of circumstances." For example, if a child breaks a vase that is a memento from your grandmother, it's natural that you will feel sad, angry, disappointed, etc. You may say to the child, "It's ok, I love you no matter what." But in that moment, it is not love that you are feeling. It is still conditional, because if it were unconditional you would be feeling love no matter what happened. But unconditional love does not just mean you will take loving action regardless of the circumstances, but within those circumstances. What we really mean is, "I want to love you unconditionally." This isn't to poke and prod you for not being unconditionally loving, as humans no one is in this state 100% of the time, and it's something we are all learning. I simply wanted to make the distinction.

Do you see how easy it is to take "I will continue to give love regardless of circumstances." can be taken to the level of self-sacrifice and the giving up of your own needs and desires? This isn't love because love doesn't require sacrifice. It is true that when you love enough, it is not a sacrifice. However, too often we use this truth to abuse ourselves and hide our true intentions, thoughts, and feelings...

If you are strong enough to admit that you suffer from a feeling of the lack of love in your life, continually giving or even self-sacrifice may simply a mechanism you may be using to be perceived as good, worthy, or useful. You may feel like you're doing the "right" thing, but love is not about right and wrong. If you realize you are one of these people, and this is your reason for continually making decisions based on other's perspectives, you may resort to shame or self-hating as your actions were from a self-motivated reason. At this point, friend, you need to take a good long look at your self-worth and use this as a lesson for offering yourself compassion and understanding so you can move forward into what your heart is telling you. In the end, you truly cannot give what you don't have.

2. You aren't making another truly happy, if it is causing you pain.

You are perhaps giving in outward action, but imagine that other people knew your other intentions for giving than to "just see them happy"... Do you think that it would make them feel good to know that what you're doing to make them happy is causing you pain? No one feels good knowing that their pleasure/happiness caused another pain. And if they do feel this way, they are being selfish because they've learned this world is about every person for themself. They don't understand the emotional or mental consequences it has on another.

3. You can't please everyone.

No matter what you say or do, there will always be someone that doesn't like what you say, do, or believe. If you are trying to be that fair-weather friend, realize that you are simply switching your actions to be liked. You are a little like someone who's trying to adopt two different personalities to fit into two entirely different groups of people. Just being yourself and doing what's right for you will in the long run make you feel happier, and you might as well because it is quite literally impossible to make everyone happy.

3. And... No matter how much you give/do for another person, you cannot truly change another person's perspective, life, or actions.

Change of mind has to be open and welcomed by the person that needs it. No matter what you give up for them, no matter what you do for them, no matter what you change in your own life for them, their perspective will never change because of you. You cannot control what other people do or don't think of you, because you cannot think for them. Sometimes we like to use our needs and desires like bargaining chips for the hope that someone will be able to make a change in their life. It makes you hope that the two of you can live happily ever after, but this does not work.

4. Your fear of judgment (as selfish, stubborn, etc.) is just as abstract as the mentality of those who judge.

That probably sounds confusing, so let me explain. You can control your actions, but everyone has different opinions on what is right action or wrong action. This is a collaboration of beliefs they are taught in the community/society they were raised and their own personal relationship with their triggers, sorrows, fears, and disappointments. These are abstract and vary greatly from person to person, family to family, and so on. Keep in mind that you are only dealing with different perspectives, and the one you fear is no more valid or real than one that will benefit you. If you've had enough experiences in life that support that particular fearful or detrimental perspective, it only feels more real or valid. Instead of basing what you do on other's abstract concepts of right and wrong, come from your heart. What does your own heart tell you about the beneficial or loving decision?

Coming from your heart also helps you realize that how they treat you emotionally is also how they treat a part of themselves emotionally. We cannot treat someone a certain way unless there are parts of ourselves we have treated that way. We only reject in others what we cannot love and accept within ourselves. The resulting compassion from this understanding dissolves our fears, sadness, and anger, and love can triumph over our personal reactions.

Not everyone in the world is going to like you and that's ok, which brings me to the fourth reason...

5. Discomfort is the catalyst for expansion into awareness.

When you come to a crossroads where you are having to decide between you and another person, sometimes the decisions we make are meant to contain discomfort. To illustrate this concept, I want to share a speech with you from Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski:

"There's something I want to tell you about stress, and how we have to look at stress. Ok? And I think it's an important thing because many people have told me from my lectures that it's the one thing they remember. Ok? I was sitting in a dentist office, and looked at an article that said, How do lobsters grow? I thought, 'Well, I don't care how lobsters grow.' But, I was interested in it, and it points out that the lobster is a soft, mushy animal that lives inside of a rigid shell. That rigid shell does not expand. Well, how can the lobster grow? Well, as the lobster grows, that shell becomes very confining, and the lobster feels itself under pressure, and finds itself uncomfortable. It goes under a rock formation to protect itself from predatory fish, casts off the shell, and produces a new one. Well eventually, that shell becomes very uncomfortable as it grows right? Back under the rocks... And the lobster repeats this numerous times. The stimulus for the lobster to be able to grow, is that it feels uncomfortable. Now, if lobsters had doctors, they would never grow. Because as soon as the lobster feels uncomfortable, it goes to the doctor, gets a valium, gets a percocet, and it feels fine so it never casts off it's shell. So the thing that we have to realize is that times of stress are also times that are signals for growth and if we use adversity properly, we can grow through adversity."

It is discomfort and negativity from which we are pressured to grow. On one hand, doing what feels better is absolutely self-loving and this will in turn help the world. On the other, sometimes an action under which we feel pressure is absolutely our gateway to make changes for the better, because where we are currently is no longer serving us or others. Sometimes, the forward-thinking choice is the most difficult one.

If you're having a hard time making a decision that may cause momentary hurt to yourself or another person, but it is the only way to change your life and how it's making you feel, consider for a moment that the upset, discomfort, or pain of the situation will ultimately call all involved to expand their self-awareness and learn. This isn't the free ticket to do or say whatever you want without caring about other people's feelings, or to be a total jerk. It's best to reduce suffering whenever possible, but also important to have the wisdom that you cannot walk this planet without causing some amount of suffering. If you make decisions that constantly undermine your own well-being, you rob others of the opportunity to grow. This brings me to...

6. You cannot promote peace and love in the world, whilst keeping yourself in pain.

Buddha once said, "Your compassion is incomplete if it does not include yourself." Michael Jackson reminded us of his Man in The Mirror Philosophy, "If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change." Or you may've heard, "You can't give what you don't have." You are literally acting against your own values if you want a world filled with peace and loving kindness, but exclude yourself from it. For those of us with self-worth issues, it's easy for us to see ourselves as less than human. But in the end, when we come back down to Earth we are all human. You cannot be truly a part of your own movement for love if you cannot or do not give it to yourself. You will certainly continue to cause suffering if you cannot walk away from it for your own sake. Sometimes we cannot give ourselves love because we have not yet faced our own self-pity.

7. Remaining in self-pity will inhibit change where it's due, and you will only continue to make decisions on the account of another.

After realizing that our misery doesn't help anyone, another guise or mechanism our ego likes to use is self-pity. Before you get angry, I'm not here to tell you that you don't have a right to feel the way you feel. People who look down on self-pity with despise and hatred will never help those who are experiencing it, and moreover they probably look down on it because there is an aspect of them that also need validation and understanding. They were never able to get it and so they tell others to "suck it up" like they had to. Self-pity is all about validation and understanding. Self-pity is an emotion just like anger, sadness, or fear and it deserves to have it's own place for safe expression to be worked with and moved through.

However, we don't often get the validation we need because of self-pity's bad rap. This perspective arises from circumstances that involve self-pity. For instance, some of us are addicted to other's validation to the extent that we are powerless to other's opinions, and cannot think for ourselves. Others may offer us validation because we are seen as the "victim" and therefore the good guy. Thus, we hand over our power for self-validation completely and let others determine whether it's "valid" to feel the way we do. However, we find that people get tired of constantly validating and they may leave us, at which point we feel abandoned. Then we may self-pity over the abandonment and the cycle starts over and over again. 

If we can recognize self-pity as such, we can learn to offer it our understanding and compassion, whilst taking back control of our life and making decisions for ourself. We can simply own our emotions in response to something, rather than having to play the "good guy". When we are able to be in complete understanding of ourselves and validate ourselves as we move through our experiences, we are able to be more confident in our decisions rather than resorting to another's validation to take an action that will feel better.

8. Only you have lived your life, and of all people, you know yourself best.

Some people seem to have the idea that they know what is best for you. They should come and live your life, right? No. You have to remember that you have lived with yourself from the second you were born, and continue to 24 hours, 7 days a week. You know better than anyone else what will make you happy, and what truly speaks to your soul. In your life you will be surrounded by people who may not understand you, think your weird, or dislike you for what seems like no reason. These people are coming from the projection of their own beliefs about the world. The problem is not you, the problem is how they are choosing to perceive you. When you stop worrying about what other people think, you are free to reap the benefits from actions that feel good directly rather than stressing other's opinions over it. For this reason...

9. When you make decisions right for you, your personal judgments toward others will lessen.

We have to admit it, we have judgments. Every person alive has judgments. When we experience happiness as a direct result of a decision we have made, we realize the importance of each person paying attention to their internal guidance. Having this realization brings new perspective on other's and what they do to bring themselves happiness, thus lifting some previous judgments on their own actions toward happiness.

10. You can't escape yourself. Only YOU can change YOU.

If you are living a less-than-satisfactory life and if you feel like you could be happier, you need to remember you can't escape yourself. Remember all the decisions you've made based on other people's opinions, emotions, or perspective, and suffered? If you continue to make the same decisions, because you can't escape yourself, you will have to continue to endure that pain and suffering. Ask yourself, am I going to willingly choose to live with this pain? Or, will I make a change?

11. You can be the proof that loving yourself was the best decision you ever made. 

As you make the decisions that feel right for you and come from your heart, you can be the living proof that the heart is stronger than anything else. You can be the living proof that love is stronger than fear. You can show the world that not only loving others, but especially yourself, can change the way we interact with the world and create greater peace and kindness. It is natural that what what we change within ourselves will mirror onto those around us.

The deeper part of us is compassion, acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness. So when we find these for ourself, we are also teaching ourselves how to give it to others.

The Village Where Mists Meet The River

In a place like this long ago,

Or perhaps a place just born…

Where the mist meets the river,

There is a tiny village

Surrounded in the tranquility of a sacred cloud

On an island of quietude

Minds rest in the kiss of her rain

As the essence of her veil

Huddles over the people

The leaves weaving themselves with the fog,

Twinkle in the dawn

Plucking the heartstrings of the soul

And settling it in the safety of her silver threads

A foot that treads lightly on the earth,

Feels it's moist and papery debris

A stray soul from time to time finds them self

Only for a moment, before the sun is to rise

At the entrance to it’s pass

The distant call of its inhabitants

Beckoning the most placid of minds

And the strongest of will

Shall they walk the pass

With strong heart,

They too can feel the kiss of her rain

Walk in the soil of life

And hear the sweet strum of dew in the forest

However, be weary the soul

That cannot walk without fear

Finding themselves entranced

By the mirror of their wildest delusions

And murkiest dread

They awaken with the moon,

Pass and mist afar off the shore

Unharmed, however…

Forever greatly changed.

Three Musketeers and One Pregnant Mother

I make my way through the humid heat to the train, clothes and backpack stuck to me with sweat. Passengers herd into the car like water being pumped into a tank. I can feel the anxious and confined energy leak from the people pressured against one another around me. I notice three young girls sitting with their mother, dressed in lavender, turquoise, and hot pink skirts and t-shirts. They sit with each other, quietly looking around with wide eyes and blank faces. I see their young faces empty, yet observant. As if a curiosity wells from their being as to what might come next. I see their tiny limbs poking out from the oversized seats--two share one. The mother is in the seat closest to me, scrolling through her Instagram feed. I look into the eyes of these young souls, and a warm smile escapes my heart. It was as if I could cradle the tiniest one in my arms, and carry her in my arms for miles with ease. It is her that looks up at me, and smiles, her face dropping soon afterward as if she made a mistake, and receded to mistrust. 

The train continues it's rumble on the tracks, and before too long, the girls legs are bowed up against the all-too-large seat, and her mother looks over, smacking her across the legs. The young girl, without crying or whining, without looking her mother in the eye, pulls her legs up more to pull them to her chest, and when her mother continues to smack her legs harder and she flattens them. It was so fast... Confusion as the girl tried to do what her mother wanted but didn’t know what it was. She kept her blank expression. When she straightened them and was unharmed, was when she understood. I see many things. A dollars roll out of a hand, heads bob as they grow weary in slumber. A leaning into the mother’s lap, and the furthest one's head falling silently to the stranger's arm. The phone is now held to the mother's ear in a tight indignant grasp. A harsh and vengeful tone radiates from her corner of anger. The conversation was about custody, and about the receiver's wrongs, likely to a friend to which she rants. She hangs up abruptly, to continue scrolling through her feed. She notices the furthest child leaning on a stranger, and grabs her arm, pulling her over to her sister's head for readjustment. I see her then lay her arm across the back of the seats, as if to say, "No touching." The trains stops and I must leave, but I am saddened. Sometimes just being on the train, doesn't exactly mean we are going anywhere.

In Those Lonesome Depths

Within the skeleton of an un-awakened child, a chill seeps deeper

Like the wind that drifts aimlessly through a violet night

Subtly, as intangible as ether itself

It sinks into abysmal seas

Invisible to passerby, submerged in the oceanic reality

Watching ripples left atop the surface of expansive water

By those who cannot penetrate the depths of their heart

Too fearful,

Others dare not send down their hand of understanding

Lest they sink themselves

And fade into its labyrinth

More accessible to them

Is a belief in horrific isolation

Where the sunken are ill

And the floating are sane

Although under the skins of textured seas

Lays the darkest and coldest crevices,

There are also the most beautiful shadows of light

That trickle in slivers that move through your soul

Like an aurora, the flow of luminescent color

Makes elegance of the murk

In the emotional echo of push and pull

We desire deeply for amiable companionship

Swimming with comradery on a never-ending search

To understanding the mysterious deluge

And to meet of that which hides in the shadows

With love

But some will never tumble into the flow of this magical world

And continue their search from the comfort of the surface

Unable to satiate the thirst of their spirit,

For the dread that

In those lonesome depths

They may actually quench it

Where Clouds Travel To (A Call to Action)

I recently watched a movie called, "The Little Prince" (originally a book written by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry). As someone who loves animation for it's imaginative and story-telling qualities, this was one of the most mind-opening ones I've seen in a while. Why? It put the emotional reality of our lives right in front of our face. It showed us what is happening on an emotional level within the world, be that consciously or subconsciously. We have denied the value of love, beauty, and "seeing with the heart" for so-called "more essential" things within the world like money, productivity, and being a part of the system. In all it's story, perhaps the most pervasive theme was awakening. It made me think a lot about what spiritual awakening really is, and why it is called so. It's not as if our essence is truly gone. Our innate understanding of the beauty and love within the world never leaves us... we forget! It's not that we find the truth, we "awaken" to it having been there. "The problem is not getting older, it is forgetting."

By now a lot of us have seen what we do not want in our external world. We have seen damage of current societal practices that are ruled by a production line for top corporations. We have seen the damage that pollution, mass production, and consumerism have had on our society. We have seen pollution, poverty, the survival mindset of the every day. And yet, so many of us feel powerless to it, from our own singular lives. We cannot control what the person next to us does or doesn't do... we cannot alone stop the car manufacturers, or alone stop the "mandatory" school curriculum in our education systems. Simultaneously, we also have to get by for ourselves within this system. Life for many has become about getting by because there are so many things that our external world reinforce or mandate that we must do if we are to survive within the system. We want to progress, but we are afraid. I mean, the world is so much larger. Right? How will we get by without a solid job that pays so that we can even live?

There are so many questions raised that we almost feel overwhelmed by any possibility for change that we just kind of fall face flat on the floor. That is why I think it's time to give up on reform. Before you get angry, just listen. It's time to surrender the fight of working from within a system that we already know makes us miserable. There are definitely decisions with positive intent that are making their way into the world. Eco-friendly technology, charities and organizations working to end poverty, and most importantly, people who are making the world better for themselves and others by feel inspired to be doing what they are doing. However, with so many afraid to take the next step, it's hard to push for reform from within the system at the same time. When do we just say, "Enough!?" Instead, this is a call to action.

As an artist, you can make edits and changes when things aren't going the way you would like. However, there are some times that you need to paint the canvas white and start completely from scratch. The good news is, if you are as fed up with the current system as I am, you're ready to make this change. I won't lie. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of it not working out, hitting rock bottom, feeling so powerless to the largeness of the world and the system that hurts so many. But no person with a heroic heart (and I absolutely propose you have one if you are reading this), ever went into battle without fear. A person is not brave because they don't have fear, they are brave because they can continue forward with it. It's time to stop feeding our belief that the current system for obtaining abundance in our lives is only through the current established methods. If we as human made the current societal rules we live by, we can re-make them! There are those who will tell you to end your march forward. There are those that have strayed so far from love that they feel they cannot even touch it anymore. During these times, remember that if your intent is loving and pure, other's hate and anger toward our mission for a better world is a manifestation of their own powerlessness and insecurity.

When we walk forward into the daybreak of a better system, and a better planet, our fear will dissolve and we will feel the immense freedom and inspiration we have longed for. But no one will take that first step for us. We cannot wait to see it happening around us. We must be those strong leaders that walk forward with love into the world, regardless of what it thrown. And most importantly, we must stand together for positive change on the dramatic and minute levels. So many paths have called out to me, and one is ringing strong and clear... International connection and community. Looking through history, the largest changes have occurred in large numbers.

This won't be a lone pursuit. We will need connection between all people at this time to remember the nature of love within the world. Nothing is too lofty so long as you believe it's possible. No one achieved anything through doubt. This is why I propose that we not only create more intentional communities for people to help each other and lovingly interact, but it's time to unite these intentional communities under a common improved system. Creating schools that facilitate a child's natural curiosity and growth, without judging them based on what grades they receive but the quality of their time and attention. Facilitating the use of technology that helps the earth and ourselves to live well. Creating a new system of justice where loving understanding change is key. Creating a system where abundance is open to all, and no one has to struggle to fulfill their basic needs and suffer if they can't.

We need people who do every kind of job there is, and enjoy doing it. We need people who enjoy building things, cooking, gardening, planning, designing. We need doctors, healers, motivators, and most especially, creators. Creative thought is at the heart of this pursuit. We need creative thought in our world, not just efficiency. We don't want bandaids and cover-ups. We want long, lasting change. We want the bigger picture. We want a world community.

Moreover, stop doing things in your life that are making you miserable! Make plans, make change. Make love and happiness the most important thing in your life, and reinforce it with the changes you make! This is your life. In the face of death, what do you have to loose? Life is too short to justify things that are holding you back from enjoying it.

Make your communities, and let's reunite them under a common connection. Let this be a Project for World Unity!

Flowers Unafraid to Bloom (Being Yourself)

Weddings, weddings. They are popping up everywhere for me. People I know are getting married all over the place... and as happy as I want to be celebrating with everyone at a wedding, I often feel like doing anything but that.

Weddings are supposed to be the happiest time... Two people join into one, and we love their love for each other. But attending weddings in the past for me has been far from pleasant. Subconsciously, I have come to scorn these celebrations. Behind the little nuances I dislike, such as dressing up, the insane amount of money often spent, and the 'political correctness' required to attend... I have had some painful things happen when I attend weddings. The next wedding to come, I feel already stroking chords of disharmony, whilst stopping dead at the chord of self-love. But that won't stop me from trying to strum it!

It is the next wedding I'm attending that calls me to heal not only my emotional wounds from previous weddings, but giving myself the choice to socialize authentically. So, to put this simply, I am genderqueer. Genderqueer means that I identify as both male, female, and the variants in between. Sometimes, I consider myself Agender. But the gender umbrella is so large I could say I'm a lot of things. I don't fit the mold of the gender binary, and although I was always mostly ok with my femininity, I never have really felt just feminine.

Masculine and feminine are in actuality just words used to help define the feeling of some activities, traits, or personalities versus other ones. Although on the highest level, there really is not masculine or feminine (as we define it pertaining to physical forms), if we are using these words to help describe these energies, we can say that we all have both masculine and feminine within us. Some of us express ourselves masculinely, some of us express ourselves femininely, and some of us feel the need and desire to embrace and express both sides of us. I am one of these people that loves the fluidity and freedom in choosing my expression, even sometimes changing day to day, and I value it greatly.

The wedding I'm going to is being hosted by my stepmother's parents. A black tie wedding. This would normally be fine with me, I just choose my expression for the day. Even if I don't choose to wear either a black dress or tuxedo, I'm ok with not being in pictures. However, when it came to pronouns, for which I use they/them, many members of the family are asking me to "keep the peace" by not correcting or stating my pronouns, and potentially allowing themselves to call me by the wrong ones. One offered to pay me $500 to do such.

I was panicked, because while I value my openness and expression very much, and make it a priority in my life, I don't want to disappoint my family. I felt like I only have two options:

1. Let people do, and say, and think whatever they want without expressing who I really am, thus pleasing my family. (This often causes my coping behavior of withdrawal.)

2. Letting myself lovingly and peacefully be whoever I want even if they disapprove.

It was like wanting to be recognized and loved for who I am, just like anyone would, but not at the cost of hurting someone else. Obviously, if my family had a need for acceptance from others and peace at the wedding, and I wanted to respect that. But respecting their wishes also meant not fulfilling my own desire to just be who I am. As someone who's needs and desire's were constantly in competition with my parent's--as in, after having to choose between my happiness or my parent's happiness--this was a very difficult situation to be in. Some might say, "Well, wearing one thing or another doesn't define who you are." To which I say "Exactly!" and add that unless you have struggled with your gender, you may not realize how sensitive, personal, and important it is to that person. Although we are all part of a whole, we cannot deny the value of our singular, individual perspective that defines what is right for us personally, or wrong for us personally.

People are like flowers. Our self expression blooms in all different colors. But a flower is not afraid to bloom and show it's true colors. No one should feel afraid to bloom because their colors are different from another's. People are not monochromatic.

After talking with a friend to gain a new perspective, I calmed down and came to some important realizations. Then, it was when I started to ask myself...

Why can't a way to be myself without hurting someone?

..that it really dawned on me.

If they are requiring that who I am expressing myself as change, then it isn't really me that they invited to the wedding. It is the me they are comfortable with, even if that is not a real person.

No one else's happiness should depend on another's being unhappy.

Healthy boundaries are not about blocking out what you don't want because it makes you uncomfortable to see it in someone else. You are seeing the manifestation of your discomfort, and you would rather try to control and modify the environment around you than deal with your own perceptions. If being yourself makes them uncomfortable, you are not asking them to be unhappy at your expense... they are doing it to themselves.

Your hurting does not ensure another's happiness. The self-loving action will always be the right action. You are simply making your way through the world in a way that is happy to you, and most importantly, respecting yourself. Someone asking you to do anything other than what makes you happy comes from their own resistance and avoidance of their beliefs about you or your actions, which are actually judgments.

Ask yourself:

Do I let other people's opinions dictate how I express myself?

Why am I really afraid of another person's opinions? What need am I trying to meet by basing my behavior on other people's opinions?

Am I trying to get people around me to meet that need with mental and emotional resources that they simply do not have yet?

It's painful to feel like we are not loved and valued for who we really are. Everyone was acceptance, belonging, and understanding because this is how we form intimate connections. It's just that because we have been unable to attain these things, that we try to gain them through bartering ourselves so that others will like us more and form these connections. Or, we keep coming back to them with the same need over and over again, and they simply cannot give us what we desperately need and want. Obviously, the world would be a lot better if everyone understood each other, but we cannot make others understand us. Moreover, we cannot fight them, and make them want to understand. This is us fighting the mirror of deep wounding. Ask yourself: What about this (thing that happened) hurt me so badly? It's important to know that how you feel is valid and important. Then, ask yourself this:

What have I learned about myself and other people from this experience?

What has this caused me to become inspired toward?

What can I do to meet this need in myself? How can I accept, approve of, and understand myself?

How can I find and connect with people who can meet my needs, and have the mental and emotional resources to be happy doing so?

Given all that, it's important to be able to facilitate the attaining of another's needs and desires, just not at the cost of what is right for you. It's also important that they (or you!) are not coming from a place of resistance/fear rather than inspiration/love. Being able to facilitate each other's happiness is like the super glue of relationships, which is why compromises are often made if there is one that will make both parties happy. Compromise is NOT about self-sacrifice, or another's sacrifice. Sometimes, people have conflicting boundaries. Sometimes, people are being called in different directions to happiness, and parting is a good way to move forward.

If what is loving to myself at this wedding is to wear what I want regardless of gender norms, and not be afraid of expressing pronouns, then I will go in with the intent to have fun, be open, passionate, and real. I love exploring the gender spectrum! And on that note, please use they/them pronouns.

           

Epiphany

Storm, keep me safe

In the smell of your silver tears

Your soft rumbling overruns my chaos

So that I hear you louder and calmer

Than my own fire and burnt debris

Let your cracked glass white

Be counted in seconds

For miles and miles I see you not

But hear your whisper

Until the muffled pangs

And piercing white velvet

Meet

As when there's an epiphany

In the joining

Of mind and heart

A miracle that an entire ocean

Be brought to land

Just as you rain to cleanse your sky

Do my murky thoughts and shattered heart

Seep out of me

Into the gentle earthy soil

Calming

As the static ceases

And the clouds roll over

Stars or Clouds? (A Process for Understanding)

When you've had your perspective invalidated in childhood, it can become harder and harder to see a situation clearly because other people's truth seems more important than your own. This is part of the reason that people with low self-confidence are so sensitive to what other people think! We learned that what our parents, or our friends, or our teachers, or society at large thought was more important, and perhaps even more truthful, than what we really thought and felt. This is one characteristic of codependent behavior--someone or something else is more important than ourselves.

In my experience, this has caused me to become obsessed with trying to see things objectively. It has caused me to dissociate and dis-identify from my own feelings, truth, and beliefs. The problem is, when you leave your truth out the of the totality of the situation, in an attempt to be "objective," you are not being objective at all since your truth is part of the situation you are in. The conclusion I've found is that under the surface of all things, the highest objectivity is love. I have a process below that I took myself through, and a few pointers that I hope will continue to help me and others identify with our emotions and our truth.

1. Look at the things that happened, and what people say, and realize it for what it is.

*What actions were taken? What words were said?

*What is their responsibility in this scenario? What is mine?

2. Take responsibility for what is only your responsibility: your actions, words, and reactions.

            *I cannot control how others react to me.

            *I have power over what I feel and think.

            *I am only responsible for my actions, words, and reactions.

            *Have I treated them the way I would like to be treated?

3. Be understanding to where someone is, and why something may have felt a certain way to them.

*This may have nothing to do with me, they might be reacting and feeling this way because of something else or because it’s a trigger for them. I can understand that.

4. Be understanding to yourself and speak out for why you feel the way you do.

            “I am triggered right now.”

            “When this happened, it made me feel _______ because…”

5. Speak out for what you won’t allow into your reality from the space you are in.

           

*I won’t accept harshness. “Please don’t talk to me that way.”

*I won’t do things that feel bad to do. “I’m sorry, but I can’t take care of that right now.”

6. Speak out for what you need from others.

*I need an environment that allows me to express who I am and how I feel authentically.

*I need to have a relationship that is emotionally aware.

*I need an environment that supports softness of mind and heart. “Could you please talk to me calmly?”

7. See where you allow others to not take responsibility for their actions.

            *Because I didn’t speak out, I allowed for this or this to be said to me.

8. Realize when the law of attraction is at work.

            *This is not my responsibility, but how might I have attracted this into my reality?

Another thing that really helped me was repeating the affirmations:

"I know what I have lived through and I know how I have felt."

"I know my experiences and my life."

"I am the only one that has lived my life, and only I know the truth of what I've felt and experienced."

Doing solar plexus (where our ego is located) strengthening exercises helped as well. People have a misconception that the ego is a bad thing, but letting ourselves identify with it is in fact a vehicle for our expansion. We came down into our individual perspectives for a reason, and owning this perspective instead of discarding it is self-loving. When we own our individual perspective, it's like seeing a puzzle piece clearly so we know where to place it.

To give an example of a little bit how this process went for me, I used an example from yesterday:

1) Talking about the crowded shopping place and how we all felt.

“You’re very good at blocking out everything around you and focusing only on yourself.”

“I’m good at ignoring the things that don’t benefit me.”

They look to each other.

Triggered. I feel insulted. It hits the deeper level of shame. I make what they said or did mean that I’m selfish and unaware. I stop talking. Later…

“What did you mean by I’m good at blocking things out things?”

“You’re good at being unaffected by things.”

I talk about how I have a great ability to change my focus, but I am actually affected a lot by some things. I say this can be a good thing, but I had used it in the past to not really address my emotions. I address the fact that sometimes it makes it hard to be present with people, but that there is benefit to seeing objectively how people act and think. I say that I like to observe other people and their actions to get a better understanding of them.

“That’s incredibly subjective.”

“Yeah, it’s actually judgmental.”

Triggered. I feel frustrated, mostly with myself because I can’t explain what I’m trying to say in the way I mean it. I feel misunderstood, and like they are jumping to conclusions.

2)        I cannot control how they react to what I say. I cannot control what they think of me. I can just be myself the best I can and show the world my authenticity, and be my kindest to all without sacrificing this. I know that a weakness of mine is communication, and I can work on communicating what I’m talking about more clearly in a way it can be understood.

3)        I feel like they have a huge misconception of who I really am and what I really stand for. If this is true, I can understand why they react the way they do given their misunderstanding. I don’t really know why they looked at each other after I said that.

4)        I was triggered because I made their actions mean that they think I’m selfish and unaware. I was triggered because I felt misunderstood. I shut down because that’s the coping mechanism I use when I feel this way—frustrated or angry—because it was not ok to express these things as a child.

            “When I’m not explaining things in a way you can understand, can you please tell me so that better understanding can be reached?”

            “When I’m trying to explain something and it’s not coming across as well as it could, can you please try to comprehend rather than jump to surface judgments? A good way to do this is to ask me specific questions so that I can better describe what I’m talking about.”

            “When you react to me with anger when I’m triggered, I feel shut down. Can you talk to me calmly and seek for understanding?

5)        “It doesn’t make me feel good when I’m trying to explain something and I’m interrupted. Please listen and wait when I’m talking to you.”

            “I feel upset when I’m trying my hardest to communicate something, and you immediately call it something not nice.”

6)        “I need an environment that seeks for understanding. Understanding, both of heart and mind, is where love and empathy flourishes.”

           

“I need an environment where who I say I am is recognized and respected.”

           

            “Something I want you both to know is that I’m actually a deeply caring, loving, and compassionate person… sometimes to the extent that I forget that it’s not loving to anyone to deny it to myself. Even though I know deep down that I’m very loving, caring, and compassionate, sometimes a veil or fear and hurt falls over this and I need you to be sensitive to that so that I’m not ripping off that veil, but lifting it.”

7)        I know I need to work on my communication skills. Due to my lack of ability to clearly explain how I really feel and what I really think, I wasn’t making understanding any easier.

8)        Feeling misunderstood is a trigger for me. This means there is a part of my being that is unhealed, and that is a large point of attraction for me.

This helped me a bit. As always, I am constantly growing and still have a lot to learn from myself. Peace.