Weddings are supposed to be the happiest time... Two people join into one, and we love their love for each other. But attending weddings in the past for me has been far from pleasant. Subconsciously, I have come to scorn these celebrations. Behind the little nuances I dislike, such as dressing up, the insane amount of money often spent, and the 'political correctness' required to attend... I have had some painful things happen when I attend weddings. The next wedding to come, I feel already stroking chords of disharmony, whilst stopping dead at the chord of self-love. But that won't stop me from trying to strum it!
It is the next wedding I'm attending that calls me to heal not only my emotional wounds from previous weddings, but giving myself the choice to socialize authentically. So, to put this simply, I am genderqueer. Genderqueer means that I identify as both male, female, and the variants in between. Sometimes, I consider myself Agender. But the gender umbrella is so large I could say I'm a lot of things. I don't fit the mold of the gender binary, and although I was always mostly ok with my femininity, I never have really felt just feminine.
Masculine and feminine are in actuality just words used to help define the feeling of some activities, traits, or personalities versus other ones. Although on the highest level, there really is not masculine or feminine (as we define it pertaining to physical forms), if we are using these words to help describe these energies, we can say that we all have both masculine and feminine within us. Some of us express ourselves masculinely, some of us express ourselves femininely, and some of us feel the need and desire to embrace and express both sides of us. I am one of these people that loves the fluidity and freedom in choosing my expression, even sometimes changing day to day, and I value it greatly.
The wedding I'm going to is being hosted by my stepmother's parents. A black tie wedding. This would normally be fine with me, I just choose my expression for the day. Even if I don't choose to wear either a black dress or tuxedo, I'm ok with not being in pictures. However, when it came to pronouns, for which I use they/them, many members of the family are asking me to "keep the peace" by not correcting or stating my pronouns, and potentially allowing themselves to call me by the wrong ones. One offered to pay me $500 to do such.
I was panicked, because while I value my openness and expression very much, and make it a priority in my life, I don't want to disappoint my family. I felt like I only have two options:
1. Let people do, and say, and think whatever they want without expressing who I really am, thus pleasing my family. (This often causes my coping behavior of withdrawal.)
2. Letting myself lovingly and peacefully be whoever I want even if they disapprove.
It was like wanting to be recognized and loved for who I am, just like anyone would, but not at the cost of hurting someone else. Obviously, if my family had a need for acceptance from others and peace at the wedding, and I wanted to respect that. But respecting their wishes also meant not fulfilling my own desire to just be who I am. As someone who's needs and desire's were constantly in competition with my parent's--as in, after having to choose between my happiness or my parent's happiness--this was a very difficult situation to be in. Some might say, "Well, wearing one thing or another doesn't define who you are." To which I say "Exactly!" and add that unless you have struggled with your gender, you may not realize how sensitive, personal, and important it is to that person. Although we are all part of a whole, we cannot deny the value of our singular, individual perspective that defines what is right for us personally, or wrong for us personally.
People are like flowers. Our self expression blooms in all different colors. But a flower is not afraid to bloom and show it's true colors. No one should feel afraid to bloom because their colors are different from another's. People are not monochromatic.
After talking with a friend to gain a new perspective, I calmed down and came to some important realizations. Then, it was when I started to ask myself...
Why can't a way to be myself without hurting someone?
..that it really dawned on me.
If they are requiring that who I am expressing myself as change, then it isn't really me that they invited to the wedding. It is the me they are comfortable with, even if that is not a real person.
No one else's happiness should depend on another's being unhappy.
Healthy boundaries are not about blocking out what you don't want because it makes you uncomfortable to see it in someone else. You are seeing the manifestation of your discomfort, and you would rather try to control and modify the environment around you than deal with your own perceptions. If being yourself makes them uncomfortable, you are not asking them to be unhappy at your expense... they are doing it to themselves.
Your hurting does not ensure another's happiness. The self-loving action will always be the right action. You are simply making your way through the world in a way that is happy to you, and most importantly, respecting yourself. Someone asking you to do anything other than what makes you happy comes from their own resistance and avoidance of their beliefs about you or your actions, which are actually judgments.
Ask yourself:
Do I let other people's opinions dictate how I express myself?
Why am I really afraid of another person's opinions? What need am I trying to meet by basing my behavior on other people's opinions?
Am I trying to get people around me to meet that need with mental and emotional resources that they simply do not have yet?
It's painful to feel like we are not loved and valued for who we really are. Everyone was acceptance, belonging, and understanding because this is how we form intimate connections. It's just that because we have been unable to attain these things, that we try to gain them through bartering ourselves so that others will like us more and form these connections. Or, we keep coming back to them with the same need over and over again, and they simply cannot give us what we desperately need and want. Obviously, the world would be a lot better if everyone understood each other, but we cannot make others understand us. Moreover, we cannot fight them, and make them want to understand. This is us fighting the mirror of deep wounding. Ask yourself: What about this (thing that happened) hurt me so badly? It's important to know that how you feel is valid and important. Then, ask yourself this:
What have I learned about myself and other people from this experience?
What has this caused me to become inspired toward?
What can I do to meet this need in myself? How can I accept, approve of, and understand myself?
How can I find and connect with people who can meet my needs, and have the mental and emotional resources to be happy doing so?
Given all that, it's important to be able to facilitate the attaining of another's needs and desires, just not at the cost of what is right for you. It's also important that they (or you!) are not coming from a place of resistance/fear rather than inspiration/love. Being able to facilitate each other's happiness is like the super glue of relationships, which is why compromises are often made if there is one that will make both parties happy. Compromise is NOT about self-sacrifice, or another's sacrifice. Sometimes, people have conflicting boundaries. Sometimes, people are being called in different directions to happiness, and parting is a good way to move forward.
If what is loving to myself at this wedding is to wear what I want regardless of gender norms, and not be afraid of expressing pronouns, then I will go in with the intent to have fun, be open, passionate, and real. I love exploring the gender spectrum! And on that note, please use they/them pronouns.
No comments:
Post a Comment