A Tree That Grows Alone (Hyper-Responsibility and It's Relationship with Isolation)

The nature of our suffering is often relational. That is, the majority of the painful things we experience would not exist without having had an interaction with another person or being. With some traumas, it's easy to see the exact cause. For example, the cause of a person's trigger may be apparent when someone has had an incoming boundary violation, like sexual or physical abuse. But other times, trauma is more about things that did not happen, that we actually needed to happen. The things that were not done or said.

Isolation and early attachment trauma are examples of the latter. And, I honestly feel like it's with these traumas that it becomes difficult to pinpoint what exactly hurt so bad, because... well... while we can find some singular events that involve neglect, a lot of isolation trauma is purely emotional in nature. Because of this, it involves abstract things and is more of a "developed experience" than a single event.

I want to talk about a very covert and specific coping mechanism in relation to isolation and attachment trauma that was both enlightening and disheartening to recently learn about.

Responsibility, most would agree, is generally a good thing. It can be empowering to learn that through responsibility, we have control over our own thoughts and emotions. Taking responsibility indicates self-awareness, respect and compassion for others, and a willingness to own the creation of your experiences. But how can this be a problem?

Sometimes this "taking responsibility" is in fact a hyper-responsibility complex because we feel that we cannot rely on other people emotionally. We had a lack of emotional mirroring in our childhood, or were even blamed for presenting or talking about our emotions. This probably made us angry because we felt abandoned emotionally due to the underlying hurt of being invalidated. We felt like this person didn't even care about our own experiences or feelings, but when we expressed that anger, that too was invalidated.

As a result, we began to feel ashamed and retreat into ourselves. We direct what happened inward, and began to feel only as good as others reacted to us. We determined that it's our fault or that we were wrong to feel the way we did, and regardless if the other person did or said something hurtful. And the reasons we come to this conclusion can be various (which may differ person to person):

• The reality of what we experienced or went through was so painful or scary that we couldn't integrate it into our current reality.

• On a biological level, when we are young, we haven't fully developed a sense of self separate from our parents. 

• It is less painful to blame ourselves than to believe someone in our lives lacked in loving action or perception. 

• It may literally have been unsafe (emotionally or physically) to place responsibility where it was due and so we blame ourselves instead. 

• The only way to secure connection with this person or these people was to become hyper-responsible.

In this dynamic you develop the world view that not only are your feelings unimportant, but that they actually hurt others. Your authentic expression is instead explained as your own lack of compassion or consideration from others, because telling someone how you felt or how something affected you is called judgmental or rude. As a result, you learned that it was important to be compassionate and present to others, but that you don't deserve compassion or presence from them. You stopped talking about how you felt and developed the idea that not only are your emotions to be dealt with on your own, but that even if someone had done something hurtful, you had to deal with it and take responsibility alone. We learned that we had to "move on and deal with it." Giving up on yourself was the only means by which you could still feel connection, or feel valued. Congratulations! You have successfully become a self-sacrificer! (Jk... well, not really.)

Emotional hyper-responsibility is a coping mechanism developed in childhood, and even nurtured or approved of in our current society. We are considered commendable for being such a responsible person, or such a good person for being open-hearted, when it is in fact passive and codependent behavior. It keeps us in the light of being "good," but it's not always because you are maliciously trying to manipulate others into thinking you're good (although it certainly can happen). A lot of the time, you are simply afraid of being punished because of how you were originally treated when you shared your authentic experiences.

It can be empowering to learn that we have control over our own thoughts and emotions, our reality. It can be empowering to take responsibility. But emotional hyper-responsibility is in fact our way of trying to be brave, strong, or independent when deep down we really feel horribly lonely and desperate for connection and understanding. At some point, the energy of being a hyper-responsible perfectionist wears out because of the despair and need for connection that is at your core. It is inevitable that you will experience a kind of crash and burn when it is exposed within you that your motivations are from a deep lack. The drawbacks to the coping mechanism will become evident and you may feel triggered back into a combination of shame and anger because you simply cannot do it anymore. You've been driven to the point that change is no longer a choice. Transformation is necessary to continue living a good life. You will have to face that shame and anger, and learn to place responsibility where it's due. Emotional hyper-responsibility also robs other people of the opportunity to develop and learn, and you will need to develop healthier relationships. Without being open and real with other people, you aren't giving them the opportunity to fully embrace, understand, and love you for who you are.

Ironically, while I know that this post has been written in part to help others and share something that's been illuminated within me, a part of me has also written it as a part of my own hyper-responsibility complex. I'm a naturally curious and serious person and I get frustrated when I can't understand something be it in a situation, within myself, or another person. Since I struggle with the exact circumstances described above (my own life experiences are an inspiration for my writing and art), the part of me that is still obsessed with hyper-responsibility is constantly evaluating myself, my life, and my psyche to make sure that I'm "doing it right." Thus, this blog. While I felt so much of the damage I've felt because of this kick up when writing, I also laugh a little at it all.

So, what do you do? How can we change hyper-responsible tendencies so that you take responsibility for what is only your part, and develop true connection with people who are accountable and empathetic? The questions and ideas below are food for thought, but remember to always answer questions internally. Only you will ultimately know the answer, and just because I mention one reason or another for a coping mechanism, it doesn't mean they are your reasons.

1. What am I trying to avoid by using hyper-responsibility? What would be so bad if the other person was responsible?

This may have to do with the core trauma surrounding your emotions and responsibility, or an entirely new idea you've developed over time about being hyper-responsible. Are you afraid you will suffer condemnation rejection if you tell someone how you feel? Are you afraid of telling the truth about something they did because you will be punished? Are you so afraid of loosing connection that you don't feel you have a choice (which, on the contrary, actually makes you feel alone in your reality)? Am I using hyper-responsibility to punish myself because deep down I feel guilty? Do I get to avoid feeling ashamed of myself if I just "buck up" and take responsibility?

I know... it's not easy. But a lot of the time we use hyper-responsibility to avoid the guilt and shame surrounding expressing what we feel to others. By becoming aware of what we are trying to avoid by being hyper-responsible, we can address that trauma directly by comforting and then re-evaluating these fears. We can find proof that helps to ease our fears about connecting with others in an honest way, and that taking responsibility for only our part will actually improve our relationships.

2. What do I get out of hyper-responsibility?

We don't engage in a coping mechanism unless we get something out of it. Is it the feeling that you are being brave, good, or strong, by dealing with things alone? Are you addicted to the idea of being the sensible hero that takes things upon themselves? Is it because it gives you a sense of control over your reality because it's better to blame yourself than feel powerless? Do I feel like I get to make up for something by taking hyper-responsibility?

Naturally, when we are able to let go of what we think we are getting out of being hyper-responsible, we free ourselves to see a larger picture and establish better relationships.

3. Set boundaries.

Now... this won't be easy. I was recently listening to a podcast by the psychologist Ross Rosenburg about taking steps out of codependency. He talks about how psychologists should give clients a Surgeon General's Warning for the first steps out of codependency because it is just that tough. He notes that when you first begin to set boundaries, it is NOT easy. Even the idea of setting a boundary may send you into extreme fear, anxiety, or depression. People (both those who really love you, and those who don't) will get very angry. You will feel resentful after you realize just how badly you've been affected by codependency, and it may be difficult to manage the onslaught.

Long story short, it is not an easy stage of transformation. But setting boundaries will be one of the first steps in setting yourself free to live a better life.

4. Find people in your life, or develop new relationships with which you can authentically share your experiences without fear of being put down. True connection and healthy relationships are symbiotic. That is, you meet each other's needs in a way that neither person has to give something up. Being heard and understood, as well as hearing and understanding the other is absolutely crucial to true intimacy.

5. As hard as it sounds, see if there is the opportunity for repair in the relationships you are in currently by allowing others the opportunity to become aware of how you feel, and own up to their actions. You may be surprised when you hear their point of view on the relationship, too. It's crazy how lot of intense conflict can result out of pure misunderstanding, at which point difficulties can be dissipated and cleared.

6. Become aware of what narcissistic-codependent relationships look like, and avoid interacting with people who trigger your tendency to take hyper-responsibility.

6. Practice developing trust within yourself and with other people.

One reason a person may take hyper-responsibility is because they need to feel a sense of control. It is a safety issue. They have been betrayed time and time again. They don't trust the people around them, the world, or the universal flow. A friend and I recently were talking about this inability to trust others and why, even when we are being open and are comfortable with people we identify as close friends, there is still a lack of deep trust. It's important to understand that trust and connection are mentalities. No physical action can actually "make you trust," it is a practice that we must continually exercise within ourselves so that we are open and receptive to others, and they to us. Practice trust within yourself and with other people by using meditations, visualizations, or any other practice that brings your closer together in love.

I find that closing my eyes makes me anxious at times of meditation. If this is the case for you, don't do it! There isn't a right or wrong way to meditate. Your mind is a creative tool. Use it in ways that are meditative to you. It could be the simple power of focus, such as writing down what trust feels like to you. Even cleaning could be meditative. Or when you are in a room with a friend, imagining your hearts connecting with a beautiful green fabric between them. Imagine you both being open to each other and the energy flowing seamlessly. Focus on the ways you already trust someone or people, and if it feels safe, hugging them. Imagine them holding your hand. Or better, be brave enough to ask them to meet that need for trust and connection in real life. There are many ways to do this.

7. Remember the serenity prayer.

This is a great little piece of wisdom for anyone who's seeking help with letting go of the impulse to control, and easing self-blame. It has stuck with me since I first learned about it as a child:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Practice this by really being honest with yourself about what you can and can't change in your life, using the wisdom within you to know the difference. When you let go of a need to control what you can't change (accept the things you cannot change), you also let go of responsibility for things that are not yours and thereby allow yourself to create a better life by developing new and healthy relationships or relationship dynamics (changing the things you can).

8. Let yourself grieve, then let yourself love. Remember that you are not alone.

It is heartbreaking to realize that you have felt alone for so long due to this relationship dynamic. Especially as a young child, we just couldn't understand why people would be so hurtful. It is natural to feel sad that you couldn't get the validation, sensitivity, or understanding that you needed... the connection that you needed. When you feel grief, embrace it and acknowledge that it's normal to feel that way because you are grieving the initial lack or loss of connection.

Simultaneously, (and when it feels right) allow yourself to focus on the idea that you don't have to hold everything in, and you're not alone. Everyone has feelings, and healing together with others can be a great blessing. Allow the Universe (or whatever you believe in) to comfort and hold you. After we have given ourselves compassion, and connected with others in an empathic and compassionate way, it's easier to then step into the awareness that it is hurt people who hurt people. People treat others the way they have been treated... and the way they treat themselves. Knowing this makes it easier to forgive. 

I'm searching for these opportunities myself, and I hope this could relate to some of you. I hope it will help you in your own lives to develop true connection with others. Peace.