Yesterday, I woke up with a pit in my stomach. As so happens when the demands of daily life are in contradiction to our needs for self-care and reflection during times of transformation. The shame arises, the shame of... I'm a bad worker or student, I'm not doing enough/being enough/working enough. These thoughts can cause us to really feel like we're losing control, and cause great anxiety... even when we're doing just fine. And even if we know everything will turn out ok. But when did this judgement and pressure on ourselves begin?
When we were children, babies, we were entirely helpless to the world and our parents. We are born dependent on our parents for the earliest years of our lives, and would die without them. During this time, we cannot do much of anything. The love we needed was not displaced onto any external things, and nothing was expected of us in order to deserve love. We were just… loved. But, soon enough, the world required us to grow.
When we were children, babies, we were entirely helpless to the world and our parents. We are born dependent on our parents for the earliest years of our lives, and would die without them. During this time, we cannot do much of anything. The love we needed was not displaced onto any external things, and nothing was expected of us in order to deserve love. We were just… loved. But, soon enough, the world required us to grow.
I want you to feel with me for a second. Imagine yourself now, all the things you feel in your current life. Then, remember how you felt and perceived the world as a child. Do you remember the softness of it? How malleable, and at times, vulnerable, it was? Think about how many hours there are in a day to experience emotions, how many experiences occur that teach us certain meanings and understandings of the world. Not always good. The emotional distance, although you are living in the same body as that child did, is immense.
Adults, and parents, often treat children from a place where they cannot truly feel and understand them because of this emotional distance. They cannot vividly recall how the things they say or do feel to children, even when they think they’re doing the right thing. They cannot truly understand, because at some point, they went through the same thing that we do… we are distanced from ourselves by people and external environments telling us what makes us lovable or not lovable, good or bad, right or wrong. We were all babies at one point in our lives. But we become a collection of experiences that inform how we act, and because it is in our nature to want happiness, love, and belonging… the actions we take, and things we try to do are always us trying to obtain happiness, love, belonging, connection, etc. And because the actions we take to try and obtain these feel-good states are informed by our childhood, we learn that there are certain ways to be or act which will get us love.
But true love, of self, of other people transcends this. It is the full acceptance of self, presence with it, and loving care for every aspect, every experience, and every emotion it experiences. It is a great softening to ourselves and others when we experience this type of love. It is a coming back to the state when we were loved because we simply “were", and not because we “did".
Although there are many important branches to explore in this very simple dynamic I have outlined, I want to talk about one specifically.
It is the displacement of our worth onto productivity.
Being productive takes the places of where our self-worth should be. While actions can indeed build self-worth when they are taken from an authentic feel-good state, since we have learned that only certain things earn us love, our worth becomes displaced by our ability to meet these expectations and thus feel loved. But true self-worth is more like the process of growing a flower. I'm going to quote (or possibly re-quote here) a very important perspective by W. Timothy Gallwey:
"When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but we do not criticize it as "rootless and stemless." We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, ,we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped; nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is."
At all times, we are perfect exactly as we are, as we continue to bloom. And blooming at times is a painful process, blooming always causes us to become aware of new parts of ourselves to understand, transform, and love... often through times of intense transformation. We must recognize ourselves beautiful in the process of blooming itself, allowing it to occur naturally and reach higher levels of love for ourselves and all people. We must love the parts of us that are so afraid, ashamed, hurt, etc. when and how they appear in order to truly allow transformation.
In using the metaphor of the rose, I would ask you to think about nature for a moment. Is a plant judged as right or wrong because of how it grows? Are any things in the natural world bad or wrong because of the way they innately are? Nature just flows, it lives, it moves, it goes after needs, it dies. Animals do not worry about there being water when there isn't, try to make water appear, try to become water themselves... they simply go find it it. Nature doesn't worry about fulfilling needs or taking care of itself in opposition to an outside world, the way we often do with productivity.
1. Listen to yourself truthfully and deeply. Prove yourself that you're there for yourself.
This does not just go for your productivity, but for every aspect of your life. Once you start to prove to yourself that you are willing to listen to your emotions, and what you really need, you prove to yourself that you're there for yourself. Make a commitment to listen to and love yourself no matter what comes up. This can cause anxiety in the beginning, because we often lead busy lives. We are used to abandoning ourselves individually to acquire outside validation and gain other's positive perception of ourselves. And we think, but if I don't then.... Or, but I still have to...
But you must listen to yourself first, and choose to listen to yourself first. You will carry out the energy of the particular activities that "must" be done once you're in a better state anyway, and if they are authentic to what you want to create, do, or make, then they will flow naturally as they feel good to do. Committing to self-love and caring for yourself is not easy. And at times, once people have committed to loving themselves in a true way, and started to feel a true sense of worth, it has required them to make drastic changes in their lives as they start to uncover their own inner light and authenticity. But if you plan to lead a fulfilling life one day, why not begin today? The future is made in the moment.
But you must listen to yourself first, and choose to listen to yourself first. You will carry out the energy of the particular activities that "must" be done once you're in a better state anyway, and if they are authentic to what you want to create, do, or make, then they will flow naturally as they feel good to do. Committing to self-love and caring for yourself is not easy. And at times, once people have committed to loving themselves in a true way, and started to feel a true sense of worth, it has required them to make drastic changes in their lives as they start to uncover their own inner light and authenticity. But if you plan to lead a fulfilling life one day, why not begin today? The future is made in the moment.
2. Nourish the seed at every stage of development.
When you begin to listen to yourself, start to give yourself the love you need, and ask others to meet the needs for you that you cannot meet yourself. Many people don't realize that others are as much a part of this process as we are, and relying on other people is something we need to relearn as ok. People rely on and help each other, and being interdependent and accepting of one another is a basic human need. We must not only nourish ourselves, but feel nourished in our connected bonds with others through good and bad times.
What does the part of you calling your attention away from what you've associated with "productivity" really want or need right now? What does this aspect of yourself need to feel loved as it is. Be honest with yourself.
3. Offer true presence with yourself.
If you approach the aspect of yourself that feels it must be or do certain things to feel productive and therefore loved with the attitude "Ok, I'll be present with you until you feel better." you are not truly being present with it. Anytime the phrase "I will be present with you so that....", no matter the end to that sentence, it is not true presence. True presence is developed both out of the willingness to feel your emotions, and the willingness to love them unconditionally, no matter how often or how long they stay.
If your emotion, or part of yourself really needs true presence, but you are only offering it so that you can feel better, you keep yourself stuck. That part can't feel you really being there for it, and thus does not shift, because it knows that it is only doing so with the intention or idea of doing so to "move on and get over with it". We do this to ourselves as well as other people.
It's the same with productivity. You can't truly take a vacation and be stressed the whole time, because some part of you never went on it! In a way, be willing to let yourself relax and need what you need completely. Only then, will you find actual recuperation and make space toward inspired action, and therefore, authentic productivity.
4. Face your shame.
Face the shame of what you believe will be a consequence as a result of doing or not doing a certain thing. Question that shame or guilt, and when the question of "should" comes up, ask yourself "Why should I?"
Be honest with yourself about where this shame comes from, and what exactly you are trying to fill in the void where a sense of innate worth is supposed to be.
5. Practice inspired action.
Practice feeling an inspired energy, which is truly productive, and notice when it differs from the worth you gain by "completing" or "doing" things. I have often said: Authenticity is the reward of loving action. Inauthenticity is action then the award of love. When we do the things we love as a career then it does not feel like "work". It does not require effort and struggle because we innately want to and are inspired to do them.
I hope this blog has lightened life for any of you struggling with these ideas (which so many of us are). Remember, you are love, loved, and loving.
When you begin to listen to yourself, start to give yourself the love you need, and ask others to meet the needs for you that you cannot meet yourself. Many people don't realize that others are as much a part of this process as we are, and relying on other people is something we need to relearn as ok. People rely on and help each other, and being interdependent and accepting of one another is a basic human need. We must not only nourish ourselves, but feel nourished in our connected bonds with others through good and bad times.
What does the part of you calling your attention away from what you've associated with "productivity" really want or need right now? What does this aspect of yourself need to feel loved as it is. Be honest with yourself.
3. Offer true presence with yourself.
If you approach the aspect of yourself that feels it must be or do certain things to feel productive and therefore loved with the attitude "Ok, I'll be present with you until you feel better." you are not truly being present with it. Anytime the phrase "I will be present with you so that....", no matter the end to that sentence, it is not true presence. True presence is developed both out of the willingness to feel your emotions, and the willingness to love them unconditionally, no matter how often or how long they stay.
If your emotion, or part of yourself really needs true presence, but you are only offering it so that you can feel better, you keep yourself stuck. That part can't feel you really being there for it, and thus does not shift, because it knows that it is only doing so with the intention or idea of doing so to "move on and get over with it". We do this to ourselves as well as other people.
It's the same with productivity. You can't truly take a vacation and be stressed the whole time, because some part of you never went on it! In a way, be willing to let yourself relax and need what you need completely. Only then, will you find actual recuperation and make space toward inspired action, and therefore, authentic productivity.
4. Face your shame.
Face the shame of what you believe will be a consequence as a result of doing or not doing a certain thing. Question that shame or guilt, and when the question of "should" comes up, ask yourself "Why should I?"
Be honest with yourself about where this shame comes from, and what exactly you are trying to fill in the void where a sense of innate worth is supposed to be.
5. Practice inspired action.
Practice feeling an inspired energy, which is truly productive, and notice when it differs from the worth you gain by "completing" or "doing" things. I have often said: Authenticity is the reward of loving action. Inauthenticity is action then the award of love. When we do the things we love as a career then it does not feel like "work". It does not require effort and struggle because we innately want to and are inspired to do them.
I hope this blog has lightened life for any of you struggling with these ideas (which so many of us are). Remember, you are love, loved, and loving.
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