I've realized I have this weird thing with my stomach. I get hungry, and then I re-experience emotional numbness. Then, after I eat, I experience my emotions again, which are often grievous.
Emotional numbness has been recurrent for me. As I'm sensitive to energies around me, I used to be a great (how should I say this?) "feeler". I felt the energy of everything and everyone I met. It was a great to be feeling, whether the energy was something I liked or disliked. But it's become harder to do this. Mostly because my emotions were put down. I felt misunderstood.
This is not to call out my parents or my caregivers, but to some extent, every child coming into this world will feel invalidated in one way or another. It is an inevitable since we experience contrast in order to learn and grow.
As far as how this relates to my stomach... one thing from child which might have inspired this (Because I wasn't always grumpy-hungry or emotionless-hungry, haha!) was a general anxiety surrounded acquiring food. It's not as if food was ever withheld from me, no. Somethings I may not remember myself, but I have heard stories to which I think... "Well, my family doesn't really have any reason to lie about this." One such is that when I was about 2/3 my aunt came over and the parent I lived with was still sleeping and said I could get some chips out of the cupboard or something for breakfast.
Of course, though... I'm still someone that likes to rely on my own first-hand memory and experiences. More recently, when I was about 12-16, grocery store trips were craziness. You see, the parent I lived with hates going to the grocery store... and spending money in general. Who can blame her, really? But it caused a scenario where we would only go every 3 weeks, and at times it even became a month. We did go out to eat, and that made up for whatever we would run out of at times. But other times, especially being a vegetarian and recently vegan the options became bleaker and bleaker (we would often go to the same places, and sometimes they weren't very vegan friendly). When we did go, I found myself throwing so many things into the cart like I would never see food again. And I would watch my parent become more and more and more stressed as this happened, so I felt even worse in my need. Of course in the end, I obviously ate... but it was how I ate and what I associated with it.
Because there is divorce in my family, there seems to be a split right down the middle. There's been "sides" to some extent, and it's not something I really like. However, sometimes I would go to visit the other side of the family which lived, I suppose, in a way what people might normally expect. They got groceries as frequently as they needed them and there was never this fear--albeit subconscious--fear of 'running out'. In fact, this side of the family, sometimes sorry for the situation with this parent, would cater to me in any way I wanted. In a word, I was spoiled. I don't know, maybe 'spoiled' is not the right word... because I too believe children deserve anything they want. Just that they need to learn that they have the means to provide it for themselves too (as someone who believes in the law of attraction). But that aside, when I would eat at the houses of this side of my family, I would stuff myself so full like I needed to store it somehow. (I also felt bad for wasting.) Although, I know this is a somewhat later trauma because when I was younger I hardly ate at all, haha. Only gaining my appetite around 7...
Given this extreme of eating every meal until I was full, then having days where I ate only 1 meal, I feel I have created this polarity or division in my stomach. There is a healing technique which has been particularly beneficial to me regarding my body. Our bodies are very much like eco-systems, and so... I ask one part of this ecosystem, when it's not functioning perfectly, "What do you need to tell me?" I also ask that part of my body, "What do you mean to me? How do you sustain my life?"
Short story: I have used this technique for self-healing a few times. Two stand out specifically. The first was when I studied abroad in Portugal, and I had a terrible migraine. My host family (the first one I was living with at the time) gave me a pill, but I didn't take it. Instead, I laid down in my bed, closed my eyes, and focused all my attention on the migraine. Which intensified at first, but then slowly eased out and it was gone.
A second, more recent attempt was last fall when I had some lower back pain that was traveling down my legs. I asked my legs and lower back what they mean to me in my body. What do they support, how do they sustain my life? I got the answer: Strength. The ability to run. The ability to hold myself up and pull it together. The ability to stand tall. After identifying this, I focused on those abilities and thanked my legs and lower back. I told that part of my body, I understand... this has been difficult for you. (I had been having a particularly rough time.) After which, I began to focus on the future and what I what activities I was inspired to do which related to these body parts and their meaning.
One shadow I have is that of doubt/skepticism, even in the face of great evidence. I know this, which is why I will say here that the attitude of skepticism will not yield results in this method. I am also not a health professional, and I encourage you to seek out greater help for true health problems. Even people who believe in natural healing, must remember that medics and science are also tools of the universe which can be used in both beneficial and detrimental ways.
As far as the stomach thing. Well, since it kicks up emotional numbness when I am hungry, I figure the best way to solve this shadow is after I eat so that I may listen to and integrate the grievous feelings. I have yet to resolve this issue entirely, but life is a process. Identifying some root causes as I have, I may be able to work through and with these feelings so that I'm not an emotionless-hungry anymore!
It's not a diet thing. I eat very well, being vegan and almost completely organic. If anything, it may very well have more to do with the traumas, as well as the amount of eating that occurs, or perhaps the speed at which I'm eating. I've also considered the idea of nutritional deficiencies although I believe I'm competent at acquiring nutrients.
For today, this I will try:
-slowing my speed
-eating more or less depending on what my body is telling me
-figure out just exactly what food my body is asking for (and why)
-integrate childhood anxieties surrounding food
I tried researching this a bit too, and sadly all that comes up are diet plans. I feel so sad seeing this, especially because people put all this pressure on themselves to "fit-in" to the perfect body image. There is far too much emphasis on weight in our particularly western society, rather than on true health. We will find, that if everyone ate healthily (and of course, this is tailored to each person's dietary needs--also according to their level of awareness), there would be no need to find beauty vs. non-beauty. Health is beauty, whatever weight you may be at your optimum health!
So stay healthy, stay beautiful, stay happy!
Peace.
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