I've realized I still have a great deal of guilt attached to talking openly about my childhood. I suppose it's fear as well. My psyche somehow believes that by being open and honest about what it's gone through, that it will be punished or scolded for it. It's afraid of being looked at and someone saying, "You're just making it worse than it was! Stop making things up..." In many ways, it's a very real guilt/fear. But in another way I almost laugh at it a little. Because... if only I had made it up! How nice that would be... and how much easier to work through. Part of this comes prom the modality of people saying, "Well, you're just looking for attention" or "You attracted it" which is the absolute worst thing you can say to someone in pain. That aside, fine... let's say someone is 'making it up for attention', it's important to consider what sort of thing drove someone to the point that they needed attention that badly.
My guilt or shame is what one might call "toxic guilt/shame" that is unreasonable. Such as feeling bad or guilty about things that I didn't do, or even happened to me. This is common in childhood traumas. I think part of the problem, however, is that we section people off into this "childhood abuse/trauma" group when in actuality so so so many people have unhealed traumas. Even if it's on a different level than another's, I think we have a pretty bad habit of measuring one person's pain against another. It's when people tell us it could've been worse and we have no right to complain that makes it worse. Yes, there are pains and ills we have not yet bear, but does that discount the pain you currently are experiencing?
When people tell us our pains are less than others, it adds guilt to the pain we are already feeling. I believe people make such assertions because they themselves have unresolved pains as well. Telling people their pain is not real is not a state of openness, love, and empathy.
Some may be liberated from their worries by being grateful for not having to worry about some things that are far worse for others, i.e. setting the dinner table for a party vs. scavenging for food. This is great! But it's a step above deeply seated pains. I feel we can only embrace this type of gratitude when we have acknowledged our pain and let it be ok to feel. Obviously and honestly, it's important to count our blessings... but not to escape or discount our feelings.
But imagine a scenario where a young girl grows up with a mother that is constantly critical. She may not have grown up being physically or sexually abused. Without any other input from adults or higher figures, that pain is not acknowledged as 'real' or 'valid'. Then, she begins to talk with a friend about the criticism she's received from her mother and her friend says, "Well, there are kids starving in Africa. I mean, it could be worse." And then she feels angry because it feels like her pain isn't 'valid' or 'real' and she should just "stop it". But we cannot just "stop" ourselves from feeling something we are. We can distract ourselves, but that doesn't rid of it.
I think this is a great scapegoat to connecting with others. We have to remember the level at which people are thinking so that we can relate. When someone is going through something, they cannot be pushed to see, feel, or acknowledge a larger reality when they are not ready.
Understanding another's pain (whether they are actually traumatized or seeking attention) creates amazing emotional awareness that informs us of that person where they've been. It allows us to not discount anything, and become softer with others. It allows for love rather than condemnation. (Although I must say, if you feel hatred, disapproval, or disgust for someone/something, that is valid to feel as well! We only need to understand where that comes from within us.)
So, we should stop grouping pain together in little sections of 'more' or 'less', and start to acknowledge what everyone goes through no matter how 'large' or 'small'.
If unconditional love is the highest state we can be in, it is the opposite to withhold it based on what someone has or hasn't been through.
Perhaps it is assumptions like these, and the scapegoats so often used in our world that perpetuates this "toxic guilt/shame" toward even speaking about our pain. By first acknowledging each other's and our own experiences as 'valid' and 'important' no matter what, it means we are becoming good and sensitive listeners.
Aside from what others think, it's even more important that we allow ourselves to acknowledge our pain. We can sit and be with ourselves in what we are feeling.
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