How to Stop Creating Thunderstorms? (How to Stop Suffering?)

Perhaps our biggest thing keeping us from happiness is our holding onto pain, and not allowing ourselves to move in the direction of pleasure. Perhaps we are afraid of letting go our past hurts because of what we make them mean. We keep our pains rather than let them serve the purpose they exist: move us toward pleasures. If this is so, then the question, is why? Because we do not know how to move through, release and express our painful emotions. We do not see them as emotions; we see them instead as judgments, beliefs, and understandings of reality. “I feel grief” becomes… “I AM grieving”. “I feel angry” becomes… “I AM angry”. If happiness were as easy as choosing, many times we would have done it already. So in the end… it is not what happened to us that truly hurt us. It is what we make it mean, and our need to move through, let go, and learn. We can only do this by allowing our human nature to shine through the fabric of our being, to fully endow and express our emotions without fear.

Maybe to move through these things, we must have the courage to be fully honest with how we are feeling, and be open and receptive to how others are honestly feeling. Assuming they are being fully present and honest, this should illicit feelings of love and understanding, not defense and fear. At the root of all detrimental emotion is fear, but how we come to understand the other's fear is by learning to understand their pain.

We should not deny how we are feeling, no matter how painful... Even if we feel resistant, or numb, or even if we cannot define it! We accept exactly where we are. This is so important. However, we must be wise enough to dis-identify to see our emotions as the byproducts of interaction. This is what I mean by "holding onto pain"... we make our pain ours to keep, we let it define the experience of what we've been through.

Thinking late at night about such things has made me aware of my own pain. I was unable to indulge in happiness on many occasions growing up, as I was instead asked to self-sacrifice, clean the house, and give service to my primary caregiver. We look at our childhood events like this, and other's with a sense of "that was rough". And indeed, it is. That is the first step. But beyond, how do we learn to move on? We must develop an attitude of gratitude for what happened. How do we do this? By learning to separate our emotion from the experience of what happened. 

"It is perfectly reasonable I feel this way and I allow myself to feel what I am feeling."

Once we recognize and comfort our emotion, we can explain to it the reality of what was occurring. We recognize our own role first. In my case, this is: I was self-sacrificial to my primary caregiver by cleaning the house extensively, providing service to her, and becoming co-dependent because it was how I learned to receive love and stay "safe" as a child. Remember that lack of approval and acceptance means death as a child. Even biologically, this is true.

The next step is to look at the other's role. What was said that hurt me so badly? Why? What is the meaning that I assigned to it? Sometimes it's as simple as us believing other people's words. One example for me was: "I don't think I like your selfish behavior." 

What do I make this mean?

I make it mean that I am a selfish person.

I make it mean that I don't deserve love.

I make it mean that I am powerless to do things right.

But is that truly the reality of what occurred? No ones words can actually "make" you feel anything. Whether you pick up on energy or not, it is you that is still a match to experiencing such. It is what we make what happens to us mean that hurts us so badly. In reality, it was not my parent's comment that hurt me, but the conclusions that I drew. So looking at things more objectively, understanding the nature of projection and that others hurt people due to their own unmet needs (like our own!), what could've been the reality? It is often said that what we say of others says more about ourselves than them, which I won't say is completely the case 100% of the time, but it always depends on the scenario.

Anger/Shame:

Whether it be on a conscious or subconscious level, they feel great shame because they are not measuring up to the standard of being a good parent. But instead of feel that shame, they blame others to distract from their own. They called me what they themself felt and believed.

Pain:

My parent may've said those things in spite of my efforts to please them, because deep down they really wanted to feel like they were a good caring parent. But they are unable to fulfill their own needs, they cannot meet their children's. Their own pain is already too much for them to handle. 

Having to take care of another being who is in pain, when you have yet to resolve your own is difficult. We cannot offer the time, space, energy, we do not have for ourselves.

In reality, they may've actually been thinking, "I really want your love and approval. I want to feel like I'm not a failure. I cannot take care of your needs right now and it's easier for me to say you're selfish than admit to that." Yet, she is unable to admit to the reality of what has happened because, guess what? Responsibility is tough! More on responsibility later...

Powerlessness:

In reality, again with their own standard of parenthood, they may've been thinking instead, "I am so upset with the way my life is going and I feel like I've really screwed up. I have no control over what is happening. I'm desperate and scared and I want someone to save me." On a deeper level, they may've said I was selfish so that I'd feel guilty and cater to their needs so they wouldn't feel so alone and helpless.

And finally... Fear:

"If I'm not a good enough parent I will be scorned. I will not feel love and approval from society. I need love and approval." 

This is where societal norms and socialization is enhanced. In this case, selfishness is condemned and selflessness is glorified. This society also still works greatly in the reward-punishment style of parenting. In efforts to raise a 'good child' and therefore be perceived as a 'good parent' and feel a sense of acceptance and love, my parent may've been thinking, "I am raising an unselfish and caring person by calling them selfish."

It is some backwards logic, but we must remember that the mind works in this way. It will do anything it needs to feel a sense of assurance and survival.

Moving On

It is really hard to let go of anger and hurt... we can only do it when we are truly ready. We cannot force ourself into forgiveness. Forgiveness is ultimately something we give to ourself, not the other person. 

Moving on doesn't mean we are minimizing or dismissing what has happened. It acknowledges our own emotion, but equally acknowledges the reality of what truly occurred and why. It doesn't mean the person isn't still responsible for what happened, and it doesn't mean that we should condone anything that was likewise. It is recognizing our own role in the scenario, and becoming understanding to those who've hurt us. It is recognizing how we've hurt others, and moving on from that as well. 

Forgiveness is a level understanding that really can be achieved and leaves us with a sense of peace for the past. It is a higher understanding and love that we can embrace, but it should not be glorified as a means of dismissing our pains either.

Let your anger and pain out, then, let it go with the wind...