It Was The Water, Not The Soil: The Benevolence of Receptivity

Thinking on my last blog, and how it touched on the topic of loving people the way they need it in order to build connection, understanding, and intimacy... in this blog I want to touch on the opposite side of the issue: receiving. And this is for you and all people in your life who are struggling to have their needs for love, care, and connection met at this point in time even when it seems we are all trying our hardest.

Even when people give us love in forms we are not most apt to receive them, there is a love inherent in knowing that they are trying to love us the way they best know how. Knowing that they are doing their best in this way leads to instant reception of love in the form of forgiveness, appreciation, and humble acceptance. 

This doesn't dismiss your deeper needs in how you best receive love, and this isn't a critical voice saying, "You're just not receptive enough to other's love, so be grateful." It's simply acknowledging the benevolence and understanding that others mean well, even if they cannot deliver perfectly. It is forgiveness in the form of understanding that they are doing their best to accommodate you when you have walked into the "store of their heart" for something they either don't carry yet, or are still waiting to stock. Perhaps the manager is just tending to other things momentarily.

When expect people to be anywhere other than where they are, and other people expect you to be somewhere you're not, each of us walks away from the "stores" of each others hearts disappointed. But, if we can build the understanding that the attempt to supply and help with what is available in that "store" is in fact an effort of love, we can accept their generosity even if it is not what we technically need.

So many people end up disappointed that others cannot provide what they need either because of where they are in their life, or who they inherently are as a person. They walk away from the store disappointed that it does not carry what they want, when they either need to make do with what that person's heart store supplies, learn how to order something for their own supply, or visit another's "heart store". (I know it's a little strange to refer to hearts as stores since it involves "money" and "transaction"... but instead, think of it as a kind of store where love is the currency, and needs are the items, and everything is given and accepted freely.)

There is a patient acceptance, and reception of the love that is available to you, when you accept people for where they are and what their "heart store" carries. It's ok to feel upset or angry that they don't carry that thing, or don't carry it yet... especially if these are people you are close to, love, and care about! It's natural, especially if you feel that you carry that item in your own "heart store". Don't suppress your emotions, and instead seek to understand them as signals to understand yourself more deeply. But if you can embrace emotional patience through the recognition of love, care, and support in the ways their heart store can provide it, you will sense the emotion behind the action. And that alone leads to a deep receptivity and appreciation of their love and care in ways that were previously inaccessible to you. There is also always the patience that they may grow to carry that item within their "heart store" as well.

This reception becomes like the moistness of the soil that allows nutrients to come up through our roots. It is not the nutrition itself, but awakens the ability for absorption. And so, it was the water, not the soil.

Understanding: Love As A Felt Answer

I once got into an argument with a family member about the topic of understanding. This family member had a sister who was gay. Their mother had a very hard time accepting this as a reality of the sister. She couldn't accept it, because she couldn't understand it. One day, the mother decided to come into the sister's space, and take down her posters that were homosexually oriented, throw away her things, etc. Having had enough of the torment, the sister finally stood up to the mother. She stood up for herself. And, the mother, still not understanding, but wanting to maintain connection with her daughter, finally let well enough alone.

As we discussed the idea of understanding, my family member came to the conclusion that you don't need to understand someone to connect with them. This may be true on a more physical and intellectual level... we can talk to people we don't understand and therefore maintain what we think of as "connection", or we can live in the same space as someone and on a physical level maintain what we think of as "connection"... but in a way, I posed the idea to this family member that this was not true connection. To some degree, sure... we are sharing space, perhaps intellectually, mentally, physically... but, sometimes we forget that the heart of connection is emotional. Connection that is not based in understanding is transactional.

When we cannot understand something, we are not emotionally connected with that thing. We cannot perceive it as part of ourselves, or how we're the same as that thing. That thing which we do not understand we cannot take into us as a part of ourselves. In order to truly love someone or something, we must acknowledge that person or thing as something within us. What does this mean? If we take something as a part of ourselves, we must first be connected to do that. That connection is understanding. Connection, and therefore love, is to take it within us to caretake, nurture, hold space for, and understand.

We have sometimes a vast misunderstanding of the nature of love in our world. People are raised with different familial, social, and cultural beliefs that give rise to our "concept" of love. Often times, these concepts of love are abstract in nature and we forget the feeling love. We hear all the time that love is an answer, but we often forget it is a felt answer.

Emotions and healing are like water, and the nature of love should flow similarly as a felt experience. The resolution to all our difficulties in life occurs on a feeling level. When we heal, so does the world around us. Our connections, relationships, finances, sex, everything. And when others around us heal, it brings us both into a state of understanding and love that is a felt answer.

In this way, our individual experiences in our early lives also inform the ways in which we can feel and receive love from others, as well as our own abilities to give love. But because we have this idea of what love is, and "love" is such a general word meaning different things to different people, we have the potential to project our ideas of love onto others. What does this mean?

We have forgotten the meaning of true love. True love as a felt answer and experience.

We need to learn that connection is the condition of love. And that a huge part of that connection is understanding. It is the kind of understanding that fosters compassion.

If we love a fish, we may try to love that fish by hugging them. But what happens? The fish dies without water! We felt love for the fish, but we could not perceive that the reality of the fish is that hugging it can kill it. We would need to understand that fish and it's individual needs to make it feel loved the way it needs to feel loved.

Parents at times can traumatize children, unintentionally, this way. Children are unique, individual beings with their own goals, desires, needs, wants, etc. But when parents project their ideas of love onto them, they know their parents love them, but they become really confused why they can't actually feel that love. Or why they grow up with a feeling of emotional starvation. We can know people love us, but the deep knowledge that people love us comes from our ability to feel and perceive that love. Whether this disconnection was on a minor level (such as a simple misperception by the parent of a child's needs) or major level (deliberate abuse or neglect of a child's needs), so many of us grow up with the shame that we cannot receive love in the ways it mattered for us. We perhaps even adopted the idea that because we could not receive it, we were not worthy of it.

We cannot perceive that love, attachment, care, and connection from others in our lives because we have not felt worthy enough within ourselves to be loved in such a way to actually see that others are attached to and care about us. If we believe we aren't worthy of love, happiness, belonging, care, and connection... we won't be able to receive it even when it's present because we cannot see it as true. Because of this, we also cannot caretake our connections with others. Our inherent disconnect with ourselves mirrors onto our disconnect with other people and our struggle to understand their own emotion spaces give to them the ways they need it.

To receive love, ask others to help you on your journey as perceiving yourself as valuable and worthy of happiness, care, and connection. Know your needs, and allow yourself and others to caretake and love them as such.

To love someone, become an expert on their needs, their personal individual experiences and being as a whole. Come to understand them, deeply, to connect with them. Connection is not only an aspect of true love, it is the condition of it. We love that which we are connected to, and that connection is a great warmth.

Ask yourself today: What are ways that I can actually feel myself feeling loved by myself or other people, and how do I go about creating this in my life?

And ask yourself today: What are ways that I can actually feel myself feeling love by giving to other people, and how do I go about sharing this in my life?

Sky High: The Air of Independence, It’s Benefits, and It’s Detriments

The empowering philosophy that you can create your own reality, and that you can live happily regardless of your surroundings... are both ideas that can be immensely beneficial. I would say that to an extent, we all need this self-empowered momentum to feel an understanding of the positive states we want in life. When we feel empowered in ourselves, we feel ready to take on the world, able to deal with the stresses in life, more objective, and confident in the steps we take. We begin to understand, "Wow, I really do have the power to influence how I feel and interact in the world because I can be a strong, independent individual." We do not feel powerless to our emotions, and life feels lighter and easier.

It feels amazing to people who've felt helpless, powerless, or anxious to perceive oneself grounded enough to be an individual and positively focusing in an independent atmosphere. You feel the ability to care about yourself more than anyone, and even the ability to stop caring what people think. It is a positive momentum...

...to an extent.

Why do I say this? I can attest to both the benefits and detriments of the positive focused, independent, "everything you need is inside you" philosophy. This is because I can see the very reason anyone is drawn to this philosophy. Anyone who's turned to these empowering philosophies did not have anyone else there to offer them the love, connection, security, and care they so badly needed in their life.... that they decided to become everything for themselves. We felt so helpless and powerless to trusting others, cultivating connection, and finding understanding that we decided the only way we could obtain those things was by becoming empowered enough in ourselves.

This is where positive focus and empowered independence can become a true issue. It feels so good to be empowered, that why would anyone ever look back? Why deal with negative emotion when you can create something better, or just focus better in the situation you're in?

We are human and naturally want to feel good. When a philosophy provides that for us, we can resort to it as a way of being.

Because it feels good, positive focus can convince us that it is the way we should live our life, in every second, every interaction...

It is dangerous in this way, because at some point, positive focus can be used to ignore real issues in your life, real traumas, and go into denial. Taken too far, it can blind us from the traumas we have and truly addressing them. It can blind us from changes we need to make. It can blind us from feelings we need to accept and understand. We mistake positive focus for loving ourselves, when a huge part of loving ourselves is acknowledging the totality of who we are and what we feel.

Because we cannot acknowledge the realities within ourselves, we also don't fully recognize or validate them in others. We become insensitive, because we had to do so with ourselves since no one else was willing to be sensitive or empathetic with us. We lose the ability to see, feel into, and understand other people... desperately wanting it for ourselves on some level, too. Or, we try to obtain connection by becoming people-pleasers, trying to be good so people like us, doing what we've learned was acceptable or right to guarantee connection in any way we can. We abandoned ourselves at some point. Deep down, the person trapped in the "positive focus loop" is really afraid. Afraid of their own emotions, and fear of other people's emotions because we experienced boundary violations whether it was through neglect, enmeshment, withdrawal, or invalidation. We don't trust others with ourselves, and we don't trust ourselves with others because we never could. This causes a huge rift between us and other people. We feel worlds apart from them. It is an epidemic.

What happens? At some point you can focus as positively all you want, but it does not take away from the other realities of who you are. Many people experience a reality crash because of this. Being that so many of us were driven to these philosophies from lack, we still experience the helplessness, powerlessness.... and it is the helplessness and powerlessness of feeling completely alone in our realities. Isolated.

What's more? Since who we are is reflected in our life, we will continue to create these isolating experiences and lack of connection through the people we interact with, the places we live, where we work, etc. It looks like everyone around you having a connection that you don't, even though they may not be deeply connected either. We see the lack of understanding and connection mirrored by people in our reality who are not ready for the depth of it.

You can use positive focus as a means of loving yourself in a way that you can become more embracing to your total self, but some of us continue down the positive focus train without turning back our hand to our wounds. This manifested in my own life by learning how to do everything for myself. Traumas and a lack of secure connection or attachment led to an "air of independence" where I came to rely on myself in many ways that I could not on others. You learn to do almost everything yourself, and because of that... in a very beautiful way, you can change your life. But, at some point you learn that independent self-sufficiency is not the end-goal. You learn that it's important to address your deeper emotions of fear, anger, helplessness, powerlessness, loss, grief... And, as a result, you learn the innate connection between you and other people. You learn that all humans struggle with the same things, and there is a profound compassion for humanity, which includes you.

To give good news, if you are feeling and understanding this rift between you and others, it means you are on the horizon of deeper self-understanding, awakening, and connection with yourself that will soon be mirrored back to you. Right now, you may be looking at the evidence, manifestation, or reflection of your previous self that had not developed this awareness in the people, places, or things which which you interact. The gates of awakening are often suffering. It may be a rocky road as it requires confronting what prevents you from being present with, holding space for, and accepting emotions within yourself and others. And the opposite... trusting others with yourself. But one thing is certain:

Finding your way back to the security and trust of connection will lead to warm acceptance, understanding, fluidity, freedom, inspiration, and many other things.

The time has come for some of us in the self-help movement to stop relying solely on ourselves, positive focus, and self-sufficiency. Although beneficial to an extent, in excess we block ourselves from our deeper feelings, truths, and realities. And it is by allowing these aspects of ourselves to exist, be heard, and understood, that we foster true connection with ourselves and others. When we unite the truths of who we are, we know the answers right for us. We know the changes we need to make. We feel ourselves within others, and others within ourselves. We ultimately do not connect with people over similar interests, styles, or appearances... but because we are able to take them as a part of ourselves and love them as ourselves. Love is beyond reason. Connection is felt, and felt connection involves emotional acceptance and understanding. The time has come not for dependence or independence... but interdependence.

We feel like water when the love has thawed the frozen ice of fear. This is heartfelt connection. This is compassion.

I sense much more on this topic to come.

You Are More Than You Do (The Metaphor of the Seed)

Yesterday, I woke up with a pit in my stomach. As so happens when the demands of daily life are in contradiction to our needs for self-care and reflection during times of transformation. The shame arises, the shame of... I'm a bad worker or student, I'm not doing enough/being enough/working enough. These thoughts can cause us to really feel like we're losing control, and cause great anxiety... even when we're doing just fine. And even if we know everything will turn out ok. But when did this judgement and pressure on ourselves begin?

When we were children, babies, we were entirely helpless to the world and our parents. We are born dependent on our parents for the earliest years of our lives, and would die without them. During this time, we cannot do much of anything. The love we needed was not displaced onto any external things, and nothing was expected of us in order to deserve love. We were just… loved. But, soon enough, the world required us to grow.

I want you to feel with me for a second. Imagine yourself now, all the things you feel in your current life. Then, remember how you felt and perceived the world as a child. Do you remember the softness of it? How malleable, and at times, vulnerable, it was? Think about how many hours there are in a day to experience emotions, how many experiences occur that teach us certain meanings and understandings of the world. Not always good. The emotional distance, although you are living in the same body as that child did, is immense. 

Adults, and parents, often treat children from a place where they cannot truly feel and understand them because of this emotional distance. They cannot vividly recall how the things they say or do feel to children, even when they think they’re doing the right thing. They cannot truly understand, because at some point, they went through the same thing that we do… we are distanced from ourselves by people and external environments telling us what makes us lovable or not lovable, good or bad, right or wrong. We were all babies at one point in our lives. But we become a collection of experiences that inform how we act, and because it is in our nature to want happiness, love, and belonging… the actions we take, and things we try to do are always us trying to obtain happiness, love, belonging, connection, etc. And because the actions we take to try and obtain these feel-good states are informed by our childhood, we learn that there are certain ways to be or act which will get us love.

But true love, of self, of other people transcends this. It is the full acceptance of self, presence with it, and loving care for every aspect, every experience, and every emotion it experiences. It is a great softening to ourselves and others when we experience this type of love. It is a coming back to the state when we were loved because we simply “were", and not because we “did".

Although there are many important branches to explore in this very simple dynamic I have outlined, I want to talk about one specifically.

It is the displacement of our worth onto productivity. 

Being productive takes the places of where our self-worth should be. While actions can indeed build self-worth when they are taken from an authentic feel-good state, since we have learned that only certain things earn us love, our worth becomes displaced by our ability to meet these expectations and thus feel loved. But true self-worth is more like the process of growing a flower. I'm going to quote (or possibly re-quote here) a very important perspective by W. Timothy Gallwey:

"When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice that it is small, but we do not criticize it as "rootless and stemless." We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, ,we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped; nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is." 

At all times, we are perfect exactly as we are, as we continue to bloom. And blooming at times is a painful process, blooming always causes us to become aware of new parts of ourselves to understand, transform, and love... often through times of intense transformation. We must recognize ourselves beautiful in the process of blooming itself, allowing it to occur naturally and reach higher levels of love for ourselves and all people. We must love the parts of us that are so afraid, ashamed, hurt, etc. when and how they appear in order to truly allow transformation.

In using the metaphor of the rose, I would ask you to think about nature for a moment. Is a plant judged as right or wrong because of how it grows? Are any things in the natural world bad or wrong because of the way they innately are? Nature just flows, it lives, it moves, it goes after needs, it dies. Animals do not worry about there being water when there isn't, try to make water appear, try to become water themselves... they simply go find it it. Nature doesn't worry about fulfilling needs or taking care of itself in opposition to an outside world, the way we often do with productivity.

1. Listen to yourself truthfully and deeply. Prove yourself that you're there for yourself.

This does not just go for your productivity, but for every aspect of your life. Once you start to prove to yourself that you are willing to listen to your emotions, and what you really need, you prove to yourself that you're there for yourself. Make a commitment to listen to and love yourself no matter what comes up. This can cause anxiety in the beginning, because we often lead busy lives. We are used to abandoning ourselves individually to acquire outside validation and gain other's positive perception of ourselves. And we think, but if I don't then.... Or, but I still have to...

But you must listen to yourself first, and choose to listen to yourself first. You will carry out the energy of the particular activities that "must" be done once you're in a better state anyway, and if they are authentic to what you want to create, do, or make, then they will flow naturally as they feel good to do. Committing to self-love and caring for yourself is not easy. And at times, once people have committed to loving themselves in a true way, and started to feel a true sense of worth, it has required them to make drastic changes in their lives as they start to uncover their own inner light and authenticity. But if you plan to lead a fulfilling life one day, why not begin today? The future is made in the moment.

2. Nourish the seed at every stage of development.

When you begin to listen to yourself, start to give yourself the love you need, and ask others to meet the needs for you that you cannot meet yourself. Many people don't realize that others are as much a part of this process as we are, and relying on other people is something we need to relearn as ok. People rely on and help each other, and being interdependent and accepting of one another is a basic human need. We must not only nourish ourselves, but feel nourished in our connected bonds with others through good and bad times.

What does the part of you calling your attention away from what you've associated with "productivity" really want or need right now? What does this aspect of yourself need to feel loved as it is. Be honest with yourself.

3. Offer true presence with yourself.

If you approach the aspect of yourself that feels it must be or do certain things to feel productive and therefore loved with the attitude "Ok, I'll be present with you until you feel better." you are not truly being present with it. Anytime the phrase "I will be present with you so that....", no matter the end to that sentence, it is not true presence. True presence is developed both out of the willingness to feel your emotions, and the willingness to love them unconditionally, no matter how often or how long they stay.

If your emotion, or part of yourself really needs true presence, but you are only offering it so that you can feel better, you keep yourself stuck. That part can't feel you really being there for it, and thus does not shift, because it knows that it is only doing so with the intention or idea of doing so to "move on and get over with it". We do this to ourselves as well as other people.

It's the same with productivity. You can't truly take a vacation and be stressed the whole time, because some part of you never went on it! In a way, be willing to let yourself relax and need what you need completely. Only then, will you find actual recuperation and make space toward inspired action, and therefore, authentic productivity.

4. Face your shame.

Face the shame of what you believe will be a consequence as a result of doing or not doing a certain thing. Question that shame or guilt, and when the question of "should" comes up, ask yourself "Why should I?"

Be honest with yourself about where this shame comes from, and what exactly you are trying to fill in the void where a sense of innate worth is supposed to be.

5. Practice inspired action.

Practice feeling an inspired energy, which is truly productive, and notice when it differs from the worth you gain by "completing" or "doing" things. I have often said: Authenticity is the reward of loving action. Inauthenticity is action then the award of love. When we do the things we love as a career then it does not feel like "work". It does not require effort and struggle because we innately want to and are inspired to do them.

I hope this blog has lightened life for any of you struggling with these ideas (which so many of us are). Remember, you are love, loved, and loving.

The Why

It's happening again.... The same as my many previous schools, places I've gone, people I've lived with... And I'm stuck again in the why. I find it incredible that many times that I'm inspired to write that it's from a place of struggle. But this time it's a small-big feeling, a little child swaying on a swing so large. It shouldn't be this hard... that much I know. But for me at least, it is, and so it is.

It's the same feeling... different, left out, set apart. Sometimes I feel like I've lived a good part of my life in my own bubble. I didn't grow up around many kids, and so I never understood how people my age thought or interacted. I still don't really. It's not social anxiety... Many times I'm fine with people, it's more that the waterfall of weirdness I bring forth is probably awkward. I think some people are more absorbed into the bubble we call society. The with people... the cued in.

A part of me thinks, "Be wierd, freak people out, because you're only truly living when you're living honestly." There's nothing more painful than feeling like you have to hide or change who you are. But there's nothing more terrifying that feeling isolated and alone. I almost feel set up that these two needs would be forever at war.

The cycle that has begun to repeat again is different this time... Because this is the time that I realize it's happening again. And because it's happening again... this time, I have the opportunity to truthfully ask myself why.

Is because the food I eat is different?
Why does my voice drown out in a conversation?
Is my attempt at kindness a hindrance?
Am I annoying?
Is it because I look calm when I'm anxious?
Because I'm too chill to be upset or hurt?
Because trying to understand the strange functioning of weird people's lives is too inconvenient?

I know others have talked about me, I know they probably will in the future. A part of me thinks, "Let them talk. You can't control it anyway." Surfaces and skins and tinted shades of reality is all it is. Just perspectives, even if they're not true. People aren't bad, or mean, or ill-willed... they are misinformed. On some level, I desperately wish I knew why it was so hard to connect. I honestly try, I do.

If we don't connect, I could leave it at that...
But I want to be someone who can connect with anyone. Is the why the why am I not?

Is it even because I think like this? Deeply?
Because I feel like this? Deeply?

I'm too deep. Too serious... too thinking. But I know that. And I don't care because I like that... and I don't want to change. I love living my life on the edge of the deep end. But why is it so lonely here?

Is the why the why?

Today I'm only asking myself questions. I feel a dawn of transformation. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm beginning to trust the feet that pull me one step in front of the other.

A Tree That Grows Alone (Hyper-Responsibility and It's Relationship with Isolation)

The nature of our suffering is often relational. That is, the majority of the painful things we experience would not exist without having had an interaction with another person or being. With some traumas, it's easy to see the exact cause. For example, the cause of a person's trigger may be apparent when someone has had an incoming boundary violation, like sexual or physical abuse. But other times, trauma is more about things that did not happen, that we actually needed to happen. The things that were not done or said.

Isolation and early attachment trauma are examples of the latter. And, I honestly feel like it's with these traumas that it becomes difficult to pinpoint what exactly hurt so bad, because... well... while we can find some singular events that involve neglect, a lot of isolation trauma is purely emotional in nature. Because of this, it involves abstract things and is more of a "developed experience" than a single event.

I want to talk about a very covert and specific coping mechanism in relation to isolation and attachment trauma that was both enlightening and disheartening to recently learn about.

Responsibility, most would agree, is generally a good thing. It can be empowering to learn that through responsibility, we have control over our own thoughts and emotions. Taking responsibility indicates self-awareness, respect and compassion for others, and a willingness to own the creation of your experiences. But how can this be a problem?

Sometimes this "taking responsibility" is in fact a hyper-responsibility complex because we feel that we cannot rely on other people emotionally. We had a lack of emotional mirroring in our childhood, or were even blamed for presenting or talking about our emotions. This probably made us angry because we felt abandoned emotionally due to the underlying hurt of being invalidated. We felt like this person didn't even care about our own experiences or feelings, but when we expressed that anger, that too was invalidated.

As a result, we began to feel ashamed and retreat into ourselves. We direct what happened inward, and began to feel only as good as others reacted to us. We determined that it's our fault or that we were wrong to feel the way we did, and regardless if the other person did or said something hurtful. And the reasons we come to this conclusion can be various (which may differ person to person):

• The reality of what we experienced or went through was so painful or scary that we couldn't integrate it into our current reality.

• On a biological level, when we are young, we haven't fully developed a sense of self separate from our parents. 

• It is less painful to blame ourselves than to believe someone in our lives lacked in loving action or perception. 

• It may literally have been unsafe (emotionally or physically) to place responsibility where it was due and so we blame ourselves instead. 

• The only way to secure connection with this person or these people was to become hyper-responsible.

In this dynamic you develop the world view that not only are your feelings unimportant, but that they actually hurt others. Your authentic expression is instead explained as your own lack of compassion or consideration from others, because telling someone how you felt or how something affected you is called judgmental or rude. As a result, you learned that it was important to be compassionate and present to others, but that you don't deserve compassion or presence from them. You stopped talking about how you felt and developed the idea that not only are your emotions to be dealt with on your own, but that even if someone had done something hurtful, you had to deal with it and take responsibility alone. We learned that we had to "move on and deal with it." Giving up on yourself was the only means by which you could still feel connection, or feel valued. Congratulations! You have successfully become a self-sacrificer! (Jk... well, not really.)

Emotional hyper-responsibility is a coping mechanism developed in childhood, and even nurtured or approved of in our current society. We are considered commendable for being such a responsible person, or such a good person for being open-hearted, when it is in fact passive and codependent behavior. It keeps us in the light of being "good," but it's not always because you are maliciously trying to manipulate others into thinking you're good (although it certainly can happen). A lot of the time, you are simply afraid of being punished because of how you were originally treated when you shared your authentic experiences.

It can be empowering to learn that we have control over our own thoughts and emotions, our reality. It can be empowering to take responsibility. But emotional hyper-responsibility is in fact our way of trying to be brave, strong, or independent when deep down we really feel horribly lonely and desperate for connection and understanding. At some point, the energy of being a hyper-responsible perfectionist wears out because of the despair and need for connection that is at your core. It is inevitable that you will experience a kind of crash and burn when it is exposed within you that your motivations are from a deep lack. The drawbacks to the coping mechanism will become evident and you may feel triggered back into a combination of shame and anger because you simply cannot do it anymore. You've been driven to the point that change is no longer a choice. Transformation is necessary to continue living a good life. You will have to face that shame and anger, and learn to place responsibility where it's due. Emotional hyper-responsibility also robs other people of the opportunity to develop and learn, and you will need to develop healthier relationships. Without being open and real with other people, you aren't giving them the opportunity to fully embrace, understand, and love you for who you are.

Ironically, while I know that this post has been written in part to help others and share something that's been illuminated within me, a part of me has also written it as a part of my own hyper-responsibility complex. I'm a naturally curious and serious person and I get frustrated when I can't understand something be it in a situation, within myself, or another person. Since I struggle with the exact circumstances described above (my own life experiences are an inspiration for my writing and art), the part of me that is still obsessed with hyper-responsibility is constantly evaluating myself, my life, and my psyche to make sure that I'm "doing it right." Thus, this blog. While I felt so much of the damage I've felt because of this kick up when writing, I also laugh a little at it all.

So, what do you do? How can we change hyper-responsible tendencies so that you take responsibility for what is only your part, and develop true connection with people who are accountable and empathetic? The questions and ideas below are food for thought, but remember to always answer questions internally. Only you will ultimately know the answer, and just because I mention one reason or another for a coping mechanism, it doesn't mean they are your reasons.

1. What am I trying to avoid by using hyper-responsibility? What would be so bad if the other person was responsible?

This may have to do with the core trauma surrounding your emotions and responsibility, or an entirely new idea you've developed over time about being hyper-responsible. Are you afraid you will suffer condemnation rejection if you tell someone how you feel? Are you afraid of telling the truth about something they did because you will be punished? Are you so afraid of loosing connection that you don't feel you have a choice (which, on the contrary, actually makes you feel alone in your reality)? Am I using hyper-responsibility to punish myself because deep down I feel guilty? Do I get to avoid feeling ashamed of myself if I just "buck up" and take responsibility?

I know... it's not easy. But a lot of the time we use hyper-responsibility to avoid the guilt and shame surrounding expressing what we feel to others. By becoming aware of what we are trying to avoid by being hyper-responsible, we can address that trauma directly by comforting and then re-evaluating these fears. We can find proof that helps to ease our fears about connecting with others in an honest way, and that taking responsibility for only our part will actually improve our relationships.

2. What do I get out of hyper-responsibility?

We don't engage in a coping mechanism unless we get something out of it. Is it the feeling that you are being brave, good, or strong, by dealing with things alone? Are you addicted to the idea of being the sensible hero that takes things upon themselves? Is it because it gives you a sense of control over your reality because it's better to blame yourself than feel powerless? Do I feel like I get to make up for something by taking hyper-responsibility?

Naturally, when we are able to let go of what we think we are getting out of being hyper-responsible, we free ourselves to see a larger picture and establish better relationships.

3. Set boundaries.

Now... this won't be easy. I was recently listening to a podcast by the psychologist Ross Rosenburg about taking steps out of codependency. He talks about how psychologists should give clients a Surgeon General's Warning for the first steps out of codependency because it is just that tough. He notes that when you first begin to set boundaries, it is NOT easy. Even the idea of setting a boundary may send you into extreme fear, anxiety, or depression. People (both those who really love you, and those who don't) will get very angry. You will feel resentful after you realize just how badly you've been affected by codependency, and it may be difficult to manage the onslaught.

Long story short, it is not an easy stage of transformation. But setting boundaries will be one of the first steps in setting yourself free to live a better life.

4. Find people in your life, or develop new relationships with which you can authentically share your experiences without fear of being put down. True connection and healthy relationships are symbiotic. That is, you meet each other's needs in a way that neither person has to give something up. Being heard and understood, as well as hearing and understanding the other is absolutely crucial to true intimacy.

5. As hard as it sounds, see if there is the opportunity for repair in the relationships you are in currently by allowing others the opportunity to become aware of how you feel, and own up to their actions. You may be surprised when you hear their point of view on the relationship, too. It's crazy how lot of intense conflict can result out of pure misunderstanding, at which point difficulties can be dissipated and cleared.

6. Become aware of what narcissistic-codependent relationships look like, and avoid interacting with people who trigger your tendency to take hyper-responsibility.

6. Practice developing trust within yourself and with other people.

One reason a person may take hyper-responsibility is because they need to feel a sense of control. It is a safety issue. They have been betrayed time and time again. They don't trust the people around them, the world, or the universal flow. A friend and I recently were talking about this inability to trust others and why, even when we are being open and are comfortable with people we identify as close friends, there is still a lack of deep trust. It's important to understand that trust and connection are mentalities. No physical action can actually "make you trust," it is a practice that we must continually exercise within ourselves so that we are open and receptive to others, and they to us. Practice trust within yourself and with other people by using meditations, visualizations, or any other practice that brings your closer together in love.

I find that closing my eyes makes me anxious at times of meditation. If this is the case for you, don't do it! There isn't a right or wrong way to meditate. Your mind is a creative tool. Use it in ways that are meditative to you. It could be the simple power of focus, such as writing down what trust feels like to you. Even cleaning could be meditative. Or when you are in a room with a friend, imagining your hearts connecting with a beautiful green fabric between them. Imagine you both being open to each other and the energy flowing seamlessly. Focus on the ways you already trust someone or people, and if it feels safe, hugging them. Imagine them holding your hand. Or better, be brave enough to ask them to meet that need for trust and connection in real life. There are many ways to do this.

7. Remember the serenity prayer.

This is a great little piece of wisdom for anyone who's seeking help with letting go of the impulse to control, and easing self-blame. It has stuck with me since I first learned about it as a child:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Practice this by really being honest with yourself about what you can and can't change in your life, using the wisdom within you to know the difference. When you let go of a need to control what you can't change (accept the things you cannot change), you also let go of responsibility for things that are not yours and thereby allow yourself to create a better life by developing new and healthy relationships or relationship dynamics (changing the things you can).

8. Let yourself grieve, then let yourself love. Remember that you are not alone.

It is heartbreaking to realize that you have felt alone for so long due to this relationship dynamic. Especially as a young child, we just couldn't understand why people would be so hurtful. It is natural to feel sad that you couldn't get the validation, sensitivity, or understanding that you needed... the connection that you needed. When you feel grief, embrace it and acknowledge that it's normal to feel that way because you are grieving the initial lack or loss of connection.

Simultaneously, (and when it feels right) allow yourself to focus on the idea that you don't have to hold everything in, and you're not alone. Everyone has feelings, and healing together with others can be a great blessing. Allow the Universe (or whatever you believe in) to comfort and hold you. After we have given ourselves compassion, and connected with others in an empathic and compassionate way, it's easier to then step into the awareness that it is hurt people who hurt people. People treat others the way they have been treated... and the way they treat themselves. Knowing this makes it easier to forgive. 

I'm searching for these opportunities myself, and I hope this could relate to some of you. I hope it will help you in your own lives to develop true connection with others. Peace.

The Rainfall's Misty Ponds (Suffering, Acceptance, and The Role Compassion)

For a long time, self-love and positive focus have been the hallmarks of a spiritual, awakened, and happy life. And for good reason. There are amazing stories of people getting back on their feet after periods of depression and bouts of anxiety. It is influential, powerful, and transforming to realize that Love is the Truth of the universe.

Ironically, it is in the wake of these realizations, we understand the role that suffering plays. When we can see clearly enough through the eyes of love, suffering is a beautiful gift. It is suffering that gives such deep understanding of love. It might be confusing, and ironic, to look at suffering as beautiful... After all, when we are in our suffering, the last thing we want to hear is it's benefits. In the same way, when we have experienced devastation or loss, we do not want to hear of it's potential benefits. This feels like abuse, and unloving. We look at the universe as if it's punishing us out of "goodness" which makes us feel like we can't trust it and it's not on our side. It's similar to when someone does something that hurts us only to say, "It's for your own good." This kind of abuse from others or self-abuse can be confusing especially when we start to confuse love with things that punish and hurt us.

Simultaneously, we do not want to hear from other's to "pull ourselves together" or that we "just need to love ourselves" or that we "just need to empower ourselves". In our lowest of low, these just deepen the chasm within us. If we hate ourselves, we hate ourselves more for feeling powerless and incapable to complete these tasks. Our self-hate makes us see ourselves as less because we're not feeling that self-love.

It's time for us to understand that universal understanding and Truth can be used in different ways. When we are in our pain, we are stunted. It makes us emotionally, and often mentally, blind to the highest and loving perspectives. So maybe, the question is not about how we can get ourselves to the highest of perspectives. It's not a "race" or "more spiritual" to be or feel a certain way. Maybe the question is, what is loving from where I am right now? What is the next loving step? Or, if pertaining to a fellow human being, what is most loving to this person's current reality?

An answer to these grueling times might be... Love is gentle. Love is soft, and love really cares for you, always and forever. Love doesn't want you to suffer.

Love can think that suffering is beautiful, and love can also not want you to suffer! This is love because love... takes many forms. We might call the first acceptance love, and the second compassion love.

If you continue to develop oneness you experience only light and love, this much is true. That is the whole of all things. Darkness is only the lack of light, not a real and separate thing. It is a perspective, and just as valid, just not the ultimate truth of our being. I've been recently reading A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, and there's a part of it I love:

"'The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.' When we think with love, we are literally co-creating with God. And when we're not thinking with love, since only love is real, then we're actually not thinking at all. We're hallucinating. And that's what this world is: a mass hallucination, where fear seems more real that love. Fear is an illusion. Our craziness, paranoia, anxiety and trauma are literally all imagined. That is not to say they don't exist for us as human beings. They do. But our fear is not our ultimate reality and it does not replace the truth of who we really are. Our love, which is our real self, doesn't die, but simply goes underground."

However, while in the 3rd dimension often we have little or no access to that which is beyond the veil. When we integrate into Source perspective, we integrate our 3rd dimensional perspective with other universal truths that we cannot see from that level of reality. And thus, we realize and feel deep unconditional love, which relieves our human perspectives of pain and suffering. Accepting this higher reality helps us accept our suffering--acceptance love.

Simultaneously, when we come into Source perspective, we become inclusive to the whole through love as well... which is exhibited by our capacity for deep compassion for the suffering of others. Compassion is a form of love, and perhaps the one most needed in our or other's darkest times. Compassion love, like acceptance love, still sees beyond the painful 3D realities. But compassion love recognizes the need to comfort the disturbed from the wildest and most heartbreaking illusions developed in this world. Compassion love knows the steps to take, if you let it. In this form, it is known what is needed by Source (be it within you, the person next to you, or non-tangible energy) because the love of the universe within them speaks out for their own understanding and desires. This form of love, compassion, is not a teacher telling you to be grateful for your suffering. It understands that they are in no position for this truth, but not because they feel the person's suffering. Love cannot suffer, because it's love! We feel compassion because we know how real our or their pain must feel, even if it is not. Compassion is to understand the heaviness of our or another's experience, and a desire to relieve it. But this is not through the eyes of suffering. This is not through the eyes of sadness, or fear, or an anxiety to change it. Thus, it is often that compassion precedes acceptance love.

All love is beyond positive and negative realities. Suffering and pain, and feeling suffering and pain is not love. Nor is resistance to feeling pain or suffering, because love does not run. It is everywhere in every moment.

As self-love deepens, you cannot love yourself deeply without also deeply loving the world around you. People who are self-loving who appear to isolate any form of negativity in their reality aren't loving either. It's not that we have to suffer with people. Instead, true and profound love is exhibited through compassion. Compassion is a hand to hold, a loving touch or embrace. Compassion also shows us the better paths, and paths to change.

Some nights, I feel grateful. Because I know that no matter what befalls me, the world, or others, everything will always be ok. Or even if I don't, I have my own words to help me remember. Because through the eyes of love, suffering is no longer suffering. Because just as the sun evaporates the rainfall's misty ponds, love evaporates suffering as it transforms into love. It transforms it into its highest form--the teacher.

On Distant Clouds (The Ultimate Disconnect)

It creeps up in me like the drawing of a shield and sword. Like protection from an attempt to blanket my reality with another's. It's a silence that says so much and so little. A silence that knows how much needs to be said... but a silence that is scared to do so. Instead, the words come out blockish and mechanical. Like the doors are closed, and the walls are up, and only the security system's automated voice can speak.

I recently found myself reading something written by Teal Swan I could relate to immensely... "What scares me most about life on Earth is how two people can occupy the same space or experience the exact same thing and yet not occupy the same reality or experience." Everyone's mind and psychology are different according to their personal triggers and experiences. This would be fine if we all had the capacity to really understand each other's perspectives. If everyone could feel empathy and experience different perceptions, we could step into each other's shoes. Some people are good at this to varying extents. It reminds me a little of another quote I heard somewhere, "There's not a single soul who wouldn't love you if they really understood you."

But what about when what you experience feels so different from the rest? When there's nothing to bounce it off of?

I realized recently something I had been hiding from myself. Which is that I've always felt a profound feeling of isolation and loneliness in my life. I felt so different from everyone. From going vegetarian at 7, meditating in the forest when I was 11, resolving fights with friends at 12, experiencing deep and unearthly love and connection with everything, talking about a mysterious "they" who watch over me with my grandmother at 13, describing the way certain things felt in strange ways, and so on until my age now... I felt nothing other than different. Not because of the things I experienced... I loved them. I felt connected to the universe and everything around me. I had amazing feelings.

No, it wasn't the experiences... it was because of how others reacted when I would experience these things. I've gotten so many mixed reactions... And I feel it's either because people couldn't relate, or couldn't understand me. People could only understand to the extent they could perceive, and emotional walls are a major obstacle to even mental understanding. When you don't have anyone to mirror your experiences, you feel alone in your reality. Others are there, but they can't see in. When someone shows up who's conscious, and other's response ranges from amaze to rage to trepidation, reality becomes unpredictable. You don't know if you can or should share anymore. You come to the assumption that you don't know what's safe. And while some responded well... I shared music I found heart-warming and I would hear, "You listen to old-people music." I would tell people that love was stronger than anything, and they'd say "What a load of bullshit." I wouldn't go to parties, and people thought that was weird. Constant and circumstantial moving between schools and states, and parental habits only furthered my feelings of isolation. There's a myriad of experiences I feel echoing in me so deeply on replay.

Sometimes... I felt like a treasure chest never opened. For this reason, others could only dream of my internal reality. And sometimes... I wondered if the gold in that treasure chest turned to coal since that's what it seemed other's thought was there. And at some point, I just decided to remain invisible, placing a lock over my own mouth.

I've often thought... there's nothing in this universe but love. Everything else is a lack in loving perspective. But of course, from the human standpoint (individual ego), these things are very real. And of course... exhibiting true empathy means that you realize you and everyone has a reason to feel the way they do given their experiences and triggers too. That is unconditional love. But when our own individual trauma deals with isolation, seeing loveless perception in others is especially disheartening and isolating.

This is how I found myself today... isolated, and downright frustrated. I see the doctors walk in and out of offices. Women sitting at desks browsing computers. All is good and well for me when I go to the doctor and it stays on the physical level, but of course it didn't. You may know (or may not know or believe) that all physical things originally have an emotional cause (with the exception of soul contracts). The energy in the emotional body builds and affects areas where there has been a lack of "love" or "life-force" which is Source or anything else you want to call it. These often manifest as negative feelings, but even subconscious feelings (and those we deny) that are left un-resolved can manifest lack of health. Lack of love = lack of health. We live in a universe where everything affects everything else. We have yet to realize this as a species, and because of that, it feels like things can happen to us "out of the blue" with no cause whatsoever. This is the belief that has tortured humanity, and so they come up with reasons like "karma" or "God's punishment". It drives the very powerlessness we feel in our lives. That belief, and the belief whatever does create our reality (be that reality itself as an unpredictable random series of events) wants us to suffer, hurt us very much.

So why did I bring this up? Because no matter what it is I'm experiencing, the emotional cause must be dealt with. In my case, isolation. And isolation in feeling overlooked, unheard, and not taken seriously. What happened is I go to the doctor with symptoms, I get some small tests by the first doctor to check my health, then I'm sent to the gynecologist within the next hour. All was well and good until, of course, she says "It's probably just anxiety" without having done any exam. That alone sends up my wall. I'm well acquainted with the physical affects of anxiety. We're in the same space, but occupy two different realities. I'm living in the reality "I'm in serious pain and I know it's more than just anxiety" and she's living in the reality "Oh, I don't need to examine this healthy 20 year-old girl, she probably just doesn't know how to manage her stress." Even if it just anxiety... the problem here is the distance.

She says instantly, "We can assign you anti-depressants here." I explain that I'm aware of the affects of anxiety and my (physical) symptoms began with a particular traumatic experience, but I felt very strongly there was more to it than just anxiety. She asks me what kind of experience. I freeze. I almost completely forget what I'm saying because there's no explaining the kind of experience I had, especially to a doctor, without sounding like a complete loon. As amazing all the things I've experienced are... the intuition, unconditional love, and incredible universal knowledge, involving yourself in the spirit realm is not without risk. And it is with this risk, that when I slipped into my human darkness so deeply, I became a vibrational match to a negative thought form which merge it's energy into my body's sacral center. So... I guess it's out of the closet. Without saying any of this to her (psychological death sentence in the mainstream medical system), I wince and reluctantly ask her whether she knows the term extrasensory perception, and she asks "Is that the same as synesthesia?" There's no further discussion of the word, and she finishes again telling me about anxiety.

When the emotional cause is something that our current society cannot address, something so outside the realm of normality, you feel like there's nowhere to turn. Not to mention the fact that conventional psychology still doesn't have a complete grip on finding the root cause of anxiety, depression, etc. and are so quick to prescribe symptom-suppressing medication. There's a huge lack of mirroring in our world. I often feel I cannot talk seriously about certain spiritual experiences, traumatic or enlightening, because people seem to have little knowledge or understanding of it. When I feel the love of the universe pour into me, and talk about the miracles of love, or talk about my experiences with spirit guides, I'm "pollyanna" or "manic." When I feel the heaviness of my triggers or experiences, I'm "psychotic." When will the labeling stop? When will the world really try to understand people who are extrasensory?

So yeah, I'm frustrated. Frustrated at the lack of integration of important knowledge like this into the medical field. Frustrated that because of the lack of knowledge, people are labeled instead. Frustrated that people aren't attuned to one another. Frustrated that the mental health and food and medicine and pharmaceutical systems are all split up. Frustrated that people's intuition is taken for granted and overlooked. Frustrated that people are paid to keep people out of sickness, rather than maintain health. Frustrated at the lack of understanding cause and effect. Frustrated that we loose our intuition underneath the words of others. Frustrated that we're trained out of who we are. Frustrated that we are trained to be only what's "acceptable". Frustrated that when you struggle with anxiety or depression, it's seen as though there's something "wrong" with your nervous system when in fact there's everything right with it. Frustrated that there's a whole field of work dedicated to helping people "cope" in a world that we should really be changing. Frustrated that because of all these things... no one understands each other and it create's the ultimate disconnect.

That's right... if you're anxious or depressed, there's everything right with you, because we break the mold of the mind-numbing societal systems. There's everything right with you, because your nervous system is a finely tuned instrument sensitive to the most subtle changes. I'm not saying that anxiety or depression is good... I'm saying we live in a world where the conditions are right to cause anxiety and depression!

When who you are is unconventional, and your experiences out of the ordinary, you feel the weight of your own being sink into you. Those of us who came here to help the world with these problems... simultaneously feel like we came before our time. Sometimes... we just feel like we're on distant clouds, or invisible. "Sensitive people are the sensors, the alarms, the sirens of the world" and right now, we are telling them that change is necessary in this over-stimulating, fast-paced, mechanical world (Yvonne Whitelaw). Today, I speak up for other extrasensory people, sensitives, to say that I'm with you. You are not alone, and this is a tough world for people like you and me... but don't sacrifice your inner knowing, truth, or experiences because of the way you are perceived by others. Even if it feels like you've been lost from that part of yourself, you're not. You may feel powerless to change things in the world right now, and you may feel the heaviness of that for a good reason... but when we stand together, we realize that we really can do it. The right people are there, if we put ourselves in the right places and if we can learn to trust again. May the strength of our hearts grow, grow and learn from the depths of our despair and loneliness in our camaraderie. Together, may we open the heart of the world that couldn't understand us. And more important than anything...

"Leave safety behind. Put your body on the line. Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind--even if your voice shakes. When you least expect it, someone may actually listen to what you have to say. Well-aimed slingshots can topple giants." -Maggie Kuhn

So, let me share with you today, something that warms my heart... and may the light within us both nurture and bring compassion. We need both darkness and light to propel us forward through this journey called life. May both of these... give you the strength shared by having hope.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ywLuLn56bQ&index=21&list=PLH7NDzTTIhpyloaIMMf1l6_YylnJ9RhQd

Every Flower Grows Differently (11 Reasons to Make Decisions Right for You Regardless of Other's Opinions)

Recently I wondered, what do people do when there are hard decisions to make and how does it pertain to making loving decisions? For a long time, the most loving decision has been taught as the one where no one gets hurt, and where there is compromise. But, how can you know what is loving if it seems inevitable that another will get hurt? What do you do when it seems like you have to choose between your emotions and another's?

After contemplating these questions, I found several reasons that choosing to do what is right for you regardless of other's think or feel is ultimately the most loving decision. Compromise and care to each person are great options, but can only go so far if it is causing one or each person to emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually sacrifice their own needs and desires.

A lot of us find it hard to make choices for ourselves if we think someone will be hurt, offended, disagree, or even hate us for it. On top of this social pressure, we also live in societies (which will differ based on where you grew up) that promote the idea that loving yourself is in fact selfish, wrong, or narcissistic, and that those who give or sacrifice are angels. We often shame selfishness, but glorify martyrdom. These kind of beliefs keep us in relationships and situations that we feel like we have to give up needs or desires to make the other person happy or the situation favorable. We begin people pleasing or "keeping the peace" at the cost of taking a step that might hurt but advance our lives immensely.

But what if the expansion of our consciousness as a human being is meant to make other's uncomfortable? Sometimes expansion for both people in a relationship means there will be an initial breakdown, or hard times, before change comes. 

What do we find when someone tries to change their life for the better, via the means of "breaking up with someone" or making a choice that may hurt another? They are confronted with guilt, shame, or even fear that they are being selfish/stubborn/stupid. They are having to choose better for themselves despite the others person's thoughts or feelings because the relationship is not benefiting themselves or anyone else.

Here are some reasons why you need to let go of the other person's perspective in order to make the decision that will not only benefit you, but quite contrarily, the other as well! Even if it hurts, sometimes the pathway to change is shaking everything up so that not changing is no longer an option.

1.  Your intentions for basing your decisions on other people's emotions or opinions may not be as pure as you think.

Our definition of love becomes distorted and misunderstood as it bends to what each society believes in this world. We often forget what ultimate, unconditional love really feels like (some sooner than others) and create our own version of what feels like love based on how we grew up and what we were taught. These versions of love are by no means worthless, but they are often conditional. Because of this forgetting, many things we call love are not. Conditional love says "I love you" meaning "I will continue to give love regardless of circumstances." For example, if a child breaks a vase that is a memento from your grandmother, it's natural that you will feel sad, angry, disappointed, etc. You may say to the child, "It's ok, I love you no matter what." But in that moment, it is not love that you are feeling. It is still conditional, because if it were unconditional you would be feeling love no matter what happened. But unconditional love does not just mean you will take loving action regardless of the circumstances, but within those circumstances. What we really mean is, "I want to love you unconditionally." This isn't to poke and prod you for not being unconditionally loving, as humans no one is in this state 100% of the time, and it's something we are all learning. I simply wanted to make the distinction.

Do you see how easy it is to take "I will continue to give love regardless of circumstances." can be taken to the level of self-sacrifice and the giving up of your own needs and desires? This isn't love because love doesn't require sacrifice. It is true that when you love enough, it is not a sacrifice. However, too often we use this truth to abuse ourselves and hide our true intentions, thoughts, and feelings...

If you are strong enough to admit that you suffer from a feeling of the lack of love in your life, continually giving or even self-sacrifice may simply a mechanism you may be using to be perceived as good, worthy, or useful. You may feel like you're doing the "right" thing, but love is not about right and wrong. If you realize you are one of these people, and this is your reason for continually making decisions based on other's perspectives, you may resort to shame or self-hating as your actions were from a self-motivated reason. At this point, friend, you need to take a good long look at your self-worth and use this as a lesson for offering yourself compassion and understanding so you can move forward into what your heart is telling you. In the end, you truly cannot give what you don't have.

2. You aren't making another truly happy, if it is causing you pain.

You are perhaps giving in outward action, but imagine that other people knew your other intentions for giving than to "just see them happy"... Do you think that it would make them feel good to know that what you're doing to make them happy is causing you pain? No one feels good knowing that their pleasure/happiness caused another pain. And if they do feel this way, they are being selfish because they've learned this world is about every person for themself. They don't understand the emotional or mental consequences it has on another.

3. You can't please everyone.

No matter what you say or do, there will always be someone that doesn't like what you say, do, or believe. If you are trying to be that fair-weather friend, realize that you are simply switching your actions to be liked. You are a little like someone who's trying to adopt two different personalities to fit into two entirely different groups of people. Just being yourself and doing what's right for you will in the long run make you feel happier, and you might as well because it is quite literally impossible to make everyone happy.

3. And... No matter how much you give/do for another person, you cannot truly change another person's perspective, life, or actions.

Change of mind has to be open and welcomed by the person that needs it. No matter what you give up for them, no matter what you do for them, no matter what you change in your own life for them, their perspective will never change because of you. You cannot control what other people do or don't think of you, because you cannot think for them. Sometimes we like to use our needs and desires like bargaining chips for the hope that someone will be able to make a change in their life. It makes you hope that the two of you can live happily ever after, but this does not work.

4. Your fear of judgment (as selfish, stubborn, etc.) is just as abstract as the mentality of those who judge.

That probably sounds confusing, so let me explain. You can control your actions, but everyone has different opinions on what is right action or wrong action. This is a collaboration of beliefs they are taught in the community/society they were raised and their own personal relationship with their triggers, sorrows, fears, and disappointments. These are abstract and vary greatly from person to person, family to family, and so on. Keep in mind that you are only dealing with different perspectives, and the one you fear is no more valid or real than one that will benefit you. If you've had enough experiences in life that support that particular fearful or detrimental perspective, it only feels more real or valid. Instead of basing what you do on other's abstract concepts of right and wrong, come from your heart. What does your own heart tell you about the beneficial or loving decision?

Coming from your heart also helps you realize that how they treat you emotionally is also how they treat a part of themselves emotionally. We cannot treat someone a certain way unless there are parts of ourselves we have treated that way. We only reject in others what we cannot love and accept within ourselves. The resulting compassion from this understanding dissolves our fears, sadness, and anger, and love can triumph over our personal reactions.

Not everyone in the world is going to like you and that's ok, which brings me to the fourth reason...

5. Discomfort is the catalyst for expansion into awareness.

When you come to a crossroads where you are having to decide between you and another person, sometimes the decisions we make are meant to contain discomfort. To illustrate this concept, I want to share a speech with you from Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski:

"There's something I want to tell you about stress, and how we have to look at stress. Ok? And I think it's an important thing because many people have told me from my lectures that it's the one thing they remember. Ok? I was sitting in a dentist office, and looked at an article that said, How do lobsters grow? I thought, 'Well, I don't care how lobsters grow.' But, I was interested in it, and it points out that the lobster is a soft, mushy animal that lives inside of a rigid shell. That rigid shell does not expand. Well, how can the lobster grow? Well, as the lobster grows, that shell becomes very confining, and the lobster feels itself under pressure, and finds itself uncomfortable. It goes under a rock formation to protect itself from predatory fish, casts off the shell, and produces a new one. Well eventually, that shell becomes very uncomfortable as it grows right? Back under the rocks... And the lobster repeats this numerous times. The stimulus for the lobster to be able to grow, is that it feels uncomfortable. Now, if lobsters had doctors, they would never grow. Because as soon as the lobster feels uncomfortable, it goes to the doctor, gets a valium, gets a percocet, and it feels fine so it never casts off it's shell. So the thing that we have to realize is that times of stress are also times that are signals for growth and if we use adversity properly, we can grow through adversity."

It is discomfort and negativity from which we are pressured to grow. On one hand, doing what feels better is absolutely self-loving and this will in turn help the world. On the other, sometimes an action under which we feel pressure is absolutely our gateway to make changes for the better, because where we are currently is no longer serving us or others. Sometimes, the forward-thinking choice is the most difficult one.

If you're having a hard time making a decision that may cause momentary hurt to yourself or another person, but it is the only way to change your life and how it's making you feel, consider for a moment that the upset, discomfort, or pain of the situation will ultimately call all involved to expand their self-awareness and learn. This isn't the free ticket to do or say whatever you want without caring about other people's feelings, or to be a total jerk. It's best to reduce suffering whenever possible, but also important to have the wisdom that you cannot walk this planet without causing some amount of suffering. If you make decisions that constantly undermine your own well-being, you rob others of the opportunity to grow. This brings me to...

6. You cannot promote peace and love in the world, whilst keeping yourself in pain.

Buddha once said, "Your compassion is incomplete if it does not include yourself." Michael Jackson reminded us of his Man in The Mirror Philosophy, "If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change." Or you may've heard, "You can't give what you don't have." You are literally acting against your own values if you want a world filled with peace and loving kindness, but exclude yourself from it. For those of us with self-worth issues, it's easy for us to see ourselves as less than human. But in the end, when we come back down to Earth we are all human. You cannot be truly a part of your own movement for love if you cannot or do not give it to yourself. You will certainly continue to cause suffering if you cannot walk away from it for your own sake. Sometimes we cannot give ourselves love because we have not yet faced our own self-pity.

7. Remaining in self-pity will inhibit change where it's due, and you will only continue to make decisions on the account of another.

After realizing that our misery doesn't help anyone, another guise or mechanism our ego likes to use is self-pity. Before you get angry, I'm not here to tell you that you don't have a right to feel the way you feel. People who look down on self-pity with despise and hatred will never help those who are experiencing it, and moreover they probably look down on it because there is an aspect of them that also need validation and understanding. They were never able to get it and so they tell others to "suck it up" like they had to. Self-pity is all about validation and understanding. Self-pity is an emotion just like anger, sadness, or fear and it deserves to have it's own place for safe expression to be worked with and moved through.

However, we don't often get the validation we need because of self-pity's bad rap. This perspective arises from circumstances that involve self-pity. For instance, some of us are addicted to other's validation to the extent that we are powerless to other's opinions, and cannot think for ourselves. Others may offer us validation because we are seen as the "victim" and therefore the good guy. Thus, we hand over our power for self-validation completely and let others determine whether it's "valid" to feel the way we do. However, we find that people get tired of constantly validating and they may leave us, at which point we feel abandoned. Then we may self-pity over the abandonment and the cycle starts over and over again. 

If we can recognize self-pity as such, we can learn to offer it our understanding and compassion, whilst taking back control of our life and making decisions for ourself. We can simply own our emotions in response to something, rather than having to play the "good guy". When we are able to be in complete understanding of ourselves and validate ourselves as we move through our experiences, we are able to be more confident in our decisions rather than resorting to another's validation to take an action that will feel better.

8. Only you have lived your life, and of all people, you know yourself best.

Some people seem to have the idea that they know what is best for you. They should come and live your life, right? No. You have to remember that you have lived with yourself from the second you were born, and continue to 24 hours, 7 days a week. You know better than anyone else what will make you happy, and what truly speaks to your soul. In your life you will be surrounded by people who may not understand you, think your weird, or dislike you for what seems like no reason. These people are coming from the projection of their own beliefs about the world. The problem is not you, the problem is how they are choosing to perceive you. When you stop worrying about what other people think, you are free to reap the benefits from actions that feel good directly rather than stressing other's opinions over it. For this reason...

9. When you make decisions right for you, your personal judgments toward others will lessen.

We have to admit it, we have judgments. Every person alive has judgments. When we experience happiness as a direct result of a decision we have made, we realize the importance of each person paying attention to their internal guidance. Having this realization brings new perspective on other's and what they do to bring themselves happiness, thus lifting some previous judgments on their own actions toward happiness.

10. You can't escape yourself. Only YOU can change YOU.

If you are living a less-than-satisfactory life and if you feel like you could be happier, you need to remember you can't escape yourself. Remember all the decisions you've made based on other people's opinions, emotions, or perspective, and suffered? If you continue to make the same decisions, because you can't escape yourself, you will have to continue to endure that pain and suffering. Ask yourself, am I going to willingly choose to live with this pain? Or, will I make a change?

11. You can be the proof that loving yourself was the best decision you ever made. 

As you make the decisions that feel right for you and come from your heart, you can be the living proof that the heart is stronger than anything else. You can be the living proof that love is stronger than fear. You can show the world that not only loving others, but especially yourself, can change the way we interact with the world and create greater peace and kindness. It is natural that what what we change within ourselves will mirror onto those around us.

The deeper part of us is compassion, acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness. So when we find these for ourself, we are also teaching ourselves how to give it to others.

The Village Where Mists Meet The River

In a place like this long ago,

Or perhaps a place just born…

Where the mist meets the river,

There is a tiny village

Surrounded in the tranquility of a sacred cloud

On an island of quietude

Minds rest in the kiss of her rain

As the essence of her veil

Huddles over the people

The leaves weaving themselves with the fog,

Twinkle in the dawn

Plucking the heartstrings of the soul

And settling it in the safety of her silver threads

A foot that treads lightly on the earth,

Feels it's moist and papery debris

A stray soul from time to time finds them self

Only for a moment, before the sun is to rise

At the entrance to it’s pass

The distant call of its inhabitants

Beckoning the most placid of minds

And the strongest of will

Shall they walk the pass

With strong heart,

They too can feel the kiss of her rain

Walk in the soil of life

And hear the sweet strum of dew in the forest

However, be weary the soul

That cannot walk without fear

Finding themselves entranced

By the mirror of their wildest delusions

And murkiest dread

They awaken with the moon,

Pass and mist afar off the shore

Unharmed, however…

Forever greatly changed.