Sunny with A Chance of Escapism (Loving Decisions vs. Escapism)

Making loving decisions for the highest benefit are at the heart of true self-improvement. We experience contrast, negative circumstances and what is unwanted that give rise to our understanding of what we do want. Letting ourselves go in the direction of that is called self-love.

We hear and see that teachers will express profound, but albeit contradictory truths. These are relative to where someone is in life. Although both true in many cases, the factor of 'benefit' will depend on how that truth relates to the individual.

On one level, allowing ourselves to indulge in exactly what we need in the moment is self-loving as we are letting ourselves go in the direction of relief. On another level, some of these 'instant gratification' decisions come with unwanted drawbacks and there are greater loving decisions to be made.

How can we know if we are manifesting temporary relief, or making solid, life-changing, self-loving decisions? How can we distinguish a self-loving decision or one that employs emotional escapism?

First lets talk about escapism.

Escapism is to escape reality. If life is an emotional rollercoaster, escapism also means that you are escaping from the unwanted emotions in your life.

Why is this a problem? Escapism causes you to deny your negative emotions and suppress them, never really dealing with or confronting them. When these emotions aren’t dealt with, it’s like a pot that’s boiling over, which allows a plethora of other unhealthy ways of managing your emotions.

Many people make decisions that come with drawbacks to meet their needs. A person feels apathy toward life because they have adopted the beliefs:

My emotions are not valid and important.

From that space of emotional lack, they have a deep sense of emptiness and hopelessness. To escape this feeling, they do absolutely anything that will distract themselves and so they stay inside all day, do not take care of their body, and use substances that will induce alterations to their mind.

Or perhaps the reason we are driven to involve escapist strategies have more to do with treating the symptoms of our lower emotional states.

For instance, someone holds the core belief: I am not enough. To feel a sense of worth (based on their experience of socialization), they use productivity to feel value. They make decisions to feel a sense of value (i.e. taking on more than they can handle), and then the symptom emotion of stress appears. This causes them to smoke and drink to cope with their stress.

We cannot stop ourselves from wanting relief, nor can we force ourselves to make changes and decisions we are not yet ready for. I remember reading another blog a while back about a girl who binge-ate. This girl experienced incredible shame after doing so, but then to feel better she would eat more, and so the cycle repeated. Truth of it is, when we are already feeling terrible about ourselves, the last thing we need to do is add shame to the list. In this sense, accepting our decisions even if they are not yet the highest of self-loving choices, reliefs of us the added stress to change. We cannot punish ourselves into behavior that will benefit us (Teal Swan).

One question that comes up when we consider this scenario is: But what if we become too comfortable in our acceptance of 'where we are'? Children are not born wanting to live in states that come with drawbacks. It is through life and those events that occur, that makes such options seem like the only one that could offer possible relief. The human mind's primary drive is one to avoid pain and find pleasure. When people live in ways which are a detriment to them, it is because that is what they learned is safe. It may've felt unsafe for them mentally, emotionally, physically to move toward betterment.

People make the mistake of thinking that if someone hasn’t moved ahead in life, that they are content without any further expansion, but this is not the case. They are stuck because they are too afraid to continue their growth. They are stuck because even if some of these individuals give a façade, deep down they feel powerless to themselves and their lives. A disposition of acceptance and pride may in fact cover up for the deep lack of it.

Some people look at others who may feel stuck in life, apathetic, resistant to change and decide that they need to be pushed into better behavior. But this too may be detrimental. Would you want to do something because someone told you to ‘for your own good,’ or do something because you are inspired to do it? Pushing someone may get the desired action, but because it doesn’t feel good to be forced into something, the emotional space from which they were previously acting remains the same.

The first step for us... is to understand and accept where we are. 

I've found that many people, by learning to accept where they are and what feels like relief in that moment, do not become comfortable with living that way. They just reduce the stress and tension to change so that they may instead feel inspired. When they allow themselves relief, they will eventually find interest in what will feel like greater relief. Many times, this involves making decisions to change.

Ask yourself: 

Do I pile shame upon my already pre-existing negative vibration?

If I allowed myself to fully allow myself relief, even if the habits are not my end goal, what bad thing would happen?

If this is the most self-loving decision to where I am and what I feel in this moment, what can I do to allow myself to accept that action?

Does making this less than beneficial decision really detract from my worth as a person or the meaning of my life?

Then, when you do and are ready to make more solid changes from a state of inspiration and not force, ask yourself the following questions:

What are the underlying reasons that this decision (which comes with drawbacks) feels like the most self-loving decision I can make?

How can I give myself love and compassion for the underlying cause?

In what ways can I embrace a higher empowerment?

What are some small steps I can take?

It's important to not fall into the trap of the "never again." While for some this may work as a form of empowerment, and this is fine... for many of us it leads us into even greater shame if it does happen again. Instead, from your higher state, choose to fully understand and accept anywhere you are emotionally, and that you will take the steps that are aligned with self-love and self-care from that very vibration. The "never again" trap is one reason people relapse so dramatically and so frequently. They begin to shame themselves for taking poor action from a negative vibration and them start the entire process over again by feeding the root lower vibration (the one which began it all).

Remember: Your actions and decisions do not rule how in alignment you are with your life goals and your happiness, your emotions do.

...and at that, your suppressed emotions too. ;) 

Actions and decisions are only the symptoms or byproduct of our current vibration. Accept that whatever the behavior is, it may occur again and this is ok. Change always takes time. A storm must roll over until the sun may again shine.

How to Stop Creating Thunderstorms? (How to Stop Suffering?)

Perhaps our biggest thing keeping us from happiness is our holding onto pain, and not allowing ourselves to move in the direction of pleasure. Perhaps we are afraid of letting go our past hurts because of what we make them mean. We keep our pains rather than let them serve the purpose they exist: move us toward pleasures. If this is so, then the question, is why? Because we do not know how to move through, release and express our painful emotions. We do not see them as emotions; we see them instead as judgments, beliefs, and understandings of reality. “I feel grief” becomes… “I AM grieving”. “I feel angry” becomes… “I AM angry”. If happiness were as easy as choosing, many times we would have done it already. So in the end… it is not what happened to us that truly hurt us. It is what we make it mean, and our need to move through, let go, and learn. We can only do this by allowing our human nature to shine through the fabric of our being, to fully endow and express our emotions without fear.

Maybe to move through these things, we must have the courage to be fully honest with how we are feeling, and be open and receptive to how others are honestly feeling. Assuming they are being fully present and honest, this should illicit feelings of love and understanding, not defense and fear. At the root of all detrimental emotion is fear, but how we come to understand the other's fear is by learning to understand their pain.

We should not deny how we are feeling, no matter how painful... Even if we feel resistant, or numb, or even if we cannot define it! We accept exactly where we are. This is so important. However, we must be wise enough to dis-identify to see our emotions as the byproducts of interaction. This is what I mean by "holding onto pain"... we make our pain ours to keep, we let it define the experience of what we've been through.

Thinking late at night about such things has made me aware of my own pain. I was unable to indulge in happiness on many occasions growing up, as I was instead asked to self-sacrifice, clean the house, and give service to my primary caregiver. We look at our childhood events like this, and other's with a sense of "that was rough". And indeed, it is. That is the first step. But beyond, how do we learn to move on? We must develop an attitude of gratitude for what happened. How do we do this? By learning to separate our emotion from the experience of what happened. 

"It is perfectly reasonable I feel this way and I allow myself to feel what I am feeling."

Once we recognize and comfort our emotion, we can explain to it the reality of what was occurring. We recognize our own role first. In my case, this is: I was self-sacrificial to my primary caregiver by cleaning the house extensively, providing service to her, and becoming co-dependent because it was how I learned to receive love and stay "safe" as a child. Remember that lack of approval and acceptance means death as a child. Even biologically, this is true.

The next step is to look at the other's role. What was said that hurt me so badly? Why? What is the meaning that I assigned to it? Sometimes it's as simple as us believing other people's words. One example for me was: "I don't think I like your selfish behavior." 

What do I make this mean?

I make it mean that I am a selfish person.

I make it mean that I don't deserve love.

I make it mean that I am powerless to do things right.

But is that truly the reality of what occurred? No ones words can actually "make" you feel anything. Whether you pick up on energy or not, it is you that is still a match to experiencing such. It is what we make what happens to us mean that hurts us so badly. In reality, it was not my parent's comment that hurt me, but the conclusions that I drew. So looking at things more objectively, understanding the nature of projection and that others hurt people due to their own unmet needs (like our own!), what could've been the reality? It is often said that what we say of others says more about ourselves than them, which I won't say is completely the case 100% of the time, but it always depends on the scenario.

Anger/Shame:

Whether it be on a conscious or subconscious level, they feel great shame because they are not measuring up to the standard of being a good parent. But instead of feel that shame, they blame others to distract from their own. They called me what they themself felt and believed.

Pain:

My parent may've said those things in spite of my efforts to please them, because deep down they really wanted to feel like they were a good caring parent. But they are unable to fulfill their own needs, they cannot meet their children's. Their own pain is already too much for them to handle. 

Having to take care of another being who is in pain, when you have yet to resolve your own is difficult. We cannot offer the time, space, energy, we do not have for ourselves.

In reality, they may've actually been thinking, "I really want your love and approval. I want to feel like I'm not a failure. I cannot take care of your needs right now and it's easier for me to say you're selfish than admit to that." Yet, she is unable to admit to the reality of what has happened because, guess what? Responsibility is tough! More on responsibility later...

Powerlessness:

In reality, again with their own standard of parenthood, they may've been thinking instead, "I am so upset with the way my life is going and I feel like I've really screwed up. I have no control over what is happening. I'm desperate and scared and I want someone to save me." On a deeper level, they may've said I was selfish so that I'd feel guilty and cater to their needs so they wouldn't feel so alone and helpless.

And finally... Fear:

"If I'm not a good enough parent I will be scorned. I will not feel love and approval from society. I need love and approval." 

This is where societal norms and socialization is enhanced. In this case, selfishness is condemned and selflessness is glorified. This society also still works greatly in the reward-punishment style of parenting. In efforts to raise a 'good child' and therefore be perceived as a 'good parent' and feel a sense of acceptance and love, my parent may've been thinking, "I am raising an unselfish and caring person by calling them selfish."

It is some backwards logic, but we must remember that the mind works in this way. It will do anything it needs to feel a sense of assurance and survival.

Moving On

It is really hard to let go of anger and hurt... we can only do it when we are truly ready. We cannot force ourself into forgiveness. Forgiveness is ultimately something we give to ourself, not the other person. 

Moving on doesn't mean we are minimizing or dismissing what has happened. It acknowledges our own emotion, but equally acknowledges the reality of what truly occurred and why. It doesn't mean the person isn't still responsible for what happened, and it doesn't mean that we should condone anything that was likewise. It is recognizing our own role in the scenario, and becoming understanding to those who've hurt us. It is recognizing how we've hurt others, and moving on from that as well. 

Forgiveness is a level understanding that really can be achieved and leaves us with a sense of peace for the past. It is a higher understanding and love that we can embrace, but it should not be glorified as a means of dismissing our pains either.

Let your anger and pain out, then, let it go with the wind...

The Human, The Fish, and The Ocean

Like boulders placed on bony shoulders

Laden with the crushing weight

I shout out against the pain

Knowing not that I am mute

Comes on the rope

Strapping these stones to me

"Hold onto them for dear life

Not a single one shall drop" I hear

If I’m not to break the ice

And tumble into unforgiving waters

Time passes

Aches of both the cold and stone

Turn numb with frozen air and frozen feeling

I float further and further

From those who tell me to desperately grasp the stones

On my island of ice, in callous seas

A lone baby fish,

Accompanies my ride, showing me the freedom of ‘swim’

So small

Without burden or weight

And although I may see it's immaculate state,

My ravenous being reaches for the fish

And grabs it with both hands

Takes it out of the water

Puts it back in

Takes it back out

Puts it back in

Takes it back out

Puts it back in

Despite the glimmer of it’s beautiful scales

On the surface of the ceaseless waves

Some force in me desperately craved

Power in my alone helpless state

As if some force in me, swallowed in the numbing pain,

Would do anything to feel some sense of control

To relieve the holding of stones 

Causing anguish to my soul

The fish swims away

No surprise 

For suffering I have caused it

And how hilariously terrible,

And not funny at all

That now the rocks feel bit

By bit

By bit

Heavier

As I approach slightly warmer waters

The aching returns once more,

Stronger this time

Upon my form

And I feel no longer

The desire to escape this powerless state

Instead that I deserved the weight of gravity

In the first place

I lay on the ocean

At peace with my assumption

That this is the meaning of my life

To hold a burden,

Then a greater one

So that I may instead deserve all pain which comes to me

At peace with my assumption

That my life amounts to no more than weighty rocks

Atop a human lost at sea,

The mind stops

Taking my emaciated body to eternal rest

Relieving the world of a shameful birth

Until I awaken to find my island

Has greatly shrunk in size

And that now the heaviness of stone

Pulverizes my flesh

Pressuring my body to fall through

The thin ice which has carried my doom

I will sink, no doubt

With the rope tearing at my skin

Swallowed into the sea below

Now is only left the waiting game

A final breath meekly fills my chest

As the ice breaks

The weight of this human

Plunges into the abyss

Alas, my eyes open once more

To finally allow salty tears

Hidden for so long

To meet the dreaded salty water

But instead of crying in tortuous remorse

The eyes instead silent themselves

Watching the scene around them

And the mouth speaks out instead

In choking sobs

For the water does not painfully pierce the skin

For the view is not without light and shrouded in darkness

For the waves are not menacing and harsh

The warm blue around my immersed self

Reveals to me life

Kept concealed by my only seeing the surface

How the fish of fuchsias and indigos

Of arylide yellows and brilliant carnelians

Of chartreuses and cinnamons and rubies

Of shimmering diamond skins and satin lilac

Embraced around me, so eloquently

I forget my body

Settling at the bottom of these shallow tides

And instead thank the universe

To have never known this peace

Apart from the peace of accepting a meaningless life!

To have never seen such beauty

And believed beauty was in accepting worthlessness

With the stones I let lay upon my body

And ache my soul

When, truthfully

Had I untethered them

And let them roll off me

One by one plopping into the water

I may have not drown here as I am

And sailed to this wondrous grace sooner

Unbound by heavy stones

And still have gone to the same place

That all the adrift and lost

That all the shameful and numbed

That all the pained and laden

Would find themselves

I sleep now, calm with the waves

But find myself now a fish

And swim to a drifting glacier

To speak to a human laden with stone

And remind them of the beauty awaiting them

And although they punish me

Numb with the pain of their own heaviness

Although they take me out of the water

Put me back in

Take me out

Put me back in

Take me out

Put me back in

Although I have shown them the freedom of ‘swim’

They, too, have shown me

That my journey was not to be regretted

For this human
Had no conception of the far-off colorful scene

For this human
Was afraid

For this human
With stones of grief
Starved for the power of love and beauty

Aside from acceptance of worthlessness and meaninglessness

I swim on

With the ebb and flow of the current

Knowing now the greatest beauty

The unimaginable expanse

And unity and community that is

'Ocean'

The Sky is Rumbling (The Human Body and Trauma)

I've realized I have this weird thing with my stomach. I get hungry, and then I re-experience emotional numbness. Then, after I eat, I experience my emotions again, which are often grievous.

Emotional numbness has been recurrent for me. As I'm sensitive to energies around me, I used to be a great (how should I say this?) "feeler". I felt the energy of everything and everyone I met. It was a great to be feeling, whether the energy was something I liked or disliked. But it's become harder to do this. Mostly because my emotions were put down. I felt misunderstood.

This is not to call out my parents or my caregivers, but to some extent, every child coming into this world will feel invalidated in one way or another. It is an inevitable since we experience contrast in order to learn and grow.

As far as how this relates to my stomach... one thing from child which might have inspired this (Because I wasn't always grumpy-hungry or emotionless-hungry, haha!) was a general anxiety surrounded acquiring food. It's not as if food was ever withheld from me, no. Somethings I may not remember myself, but I have heard stories to which I think... "Well, my family doesn't really have any reason to lie about this." One such is that when I was about 2/3 my aunt came over and the parent I lived with was still sleeping and said I could get some chips out of the cupboard or something for breakfast.

Of course, though... I'm still someone that likes to rely on my own first-hand memory and experiences. More recently, when I was about 12-16, grocery store trips were craziness. You see, the parent I lived with hates going to the grocery store... and spending money in general. Who can blame her, really? But it caused a scenario where we would only go every 3 weeks, and at times it even became a month. We did go out to eat, and that made up for whatever we would run out of at times. But other times, especially being a vegetarian and recently vegan the options became bleaker and bleaker (we would often go to the same places, and sometimes they weren't very vegan friendly). When we did go, I found myself throwing so many things into the cart like I would never see food again. And I would watch my parent become more and more and more stressed as this happened, so I felt even worse in my need. Of course in the end, I obviously ate... but it was how I ate and what I associated with it.

Because there is divorce in my family, there seems to be a split right down the middle. There's been "sides" to some extent, and it's not something I really like. However, sometimes I would go to visit the other side of the family which lived, I suppose, in a way what people might normally expect. They got groceries as frequently as they needed them and there was never this fear--albeit subconscious--fear of 'running out'. In fact, this side of the family, sometimes sorry for the situation with this parent, would cater to me in any way I wanted. In a word, I was spoiled. I don't know, maybe 'spoiled' is not the right word... because I too believe children deserve anything they want. Just that they need to learn that they have the means to provide it for themselves too (as someone who believes in the law of attraction). But that aside, when I would eat at the houses of this side of my family, I would stuff myself so full like I needed to store it somehow. (I also felt bad for wasting.) Although, I know this is a somewhat later trauma because when I was younger I hardly ate at all, haha. Only gaining my appetite around 7...

Given this extreme of eating every meal until I was full, then having days where I ate only 1 meal, I feel I have created this polarity or division in my stomach. There is a healing technique which has been particularly beneficial to me regarding my body. Our bodies are very much like eco-systems, and so... I ask one part of this ecosystem, when it's not functioning perfectly, "What do you need to tell me?" I also ask that part of my body, "What do you mean to me? How do you sustain my life?"

Short story: I have used this technique for self-healing a few times. Two stand out specifically. The first was when I studied abroad in Portugal, and I had a terrible migraine. My host family (the first one I was living with at the time) gave me a pill, but I didn't take it. Instead, I laid down in my bed, closed my eyes, and focused all my attention on the migraine. Which intensified at first, but then slowly eased out and it was gone.

A second, more recent attempt was last fall when I had some lower back pain that was traveling down my legs. I asked my legs and lower back what they mean to me in my body. What do they support, how do they sustain my life? I got the answer: Strength. The ability to run. The ability to hold myself up and pull it together. The ability to stand tall. After identifying this, I focused on those abilities and thanked my legs and lower back. I told that part of my body, I understand... this has been difficult for you. (I had been having a particularly rough time.) After which, I began to focus on the future and what I what activities I was inspired to do which related to these body parts and their meaning.

One shadow I have is that of doubt/skepticism, even in the face of great evidence. I know this, which is why I will say here that the attitude of skepticism will not yield results in this method. I am also not a health professional, and I encourage you to seek out greater help for true health problems. Even people who believe in natural healing, must remember that medics and science are also tools of the universe which can be used in both beneficial and detrimental ways.

As far as the stomach thing. Well, since it kicks up emotional numbness when I am hungry, I figure the best way to solve this shadow is after I eat so that I may listen to and integrate the grievous feelings. I have yet to resolve this issue entirely, but life is a process. Identifying some root causes as I have, I may be able to work through and with these feelings so that I'm not an emotionless-hungry anymore!

It's not a diet thing. I eat very well, being vegan and almost completely organic. If anything, it may very well have more to do with the traumas, as well as the amount of eating that occurs, or perhaps the speed at which I'm eating. I've also considered the idea of nutritional deficiencies although I believe I'm competent at acquiring nutrients.

For today, this I will try:
-slowing my speed
-eating more or less depending on what my body is telling me
-figure out just exactly what food my body is asking for (and why)
-integrate childhood anxieties surrounding food

I tried researching this a bit too, and sadly all that comes up are diet plans. I feel so sad seeing this, especially because people put all this pressure on themselves to "fit-in" to the perfect body image. There is far too much emphasis on weight in our particularly western society, rather than on true health. We will find, that if everyone ate healthily (and of course, this is tailored to each person's dietary needs--also according to their level of awareness), there would be no need to find beauty vs. non-beauty. Health is beauty, whatever weight you may be at your optimum health!

So stay healthy, stay beautiful, stay happy!

Peace.

Letting the Wind Flow (Automatic Writing)

I tried automatic writing last night, or rather... it came upon me as I had been writing a lot that day. I figured I would share what has come to me. I was thinking myself about what it means to be observational vs. judgmental. I find we hold too much judgment in our lives, but it is not as if we can squander this judgment. Instead we must learn from it about ourselves. Here is something I wrote:

Observation is about the action. Judgment is about the self in relation to that action. Perception is our own personal association with the action.

The difference between observation, judgment, and perception in my eyes is similar to the difference between guilt, shame, and self-awareness.

Guilt is about an action which occurred that was unfavorable--a mistake.

Shame becomes when we make this action about ourselves. Shame is when we define ourselves by what we have done, and not who we are. Shame is not about "I made a mistake" and is instead about "I am a mistake." Self-awareness is the byproduct.

We come to understand our actions through admitting to what has happened, owning our part/emotions and nothing more.

I was also thinking about understanding the difference between an action taken from an authentic space, versus one that is taken to avoid something else. It has been a struggle for me to tell the difference, because us humans are so inept at self-awareness that I often find myself questioning/second guessing myself and my motives for any action. Question everything, yes, this is good. However, it can also inhibit your ability to embrace those things which are taken from an authentic space. Here is a conclusion I came to:

Authenticity is love then the reward of action. Inauthenticity is action then the award of love.

We can see how each affects us differently, are we doing something out of love for our being and the action, or to acquire that love we want. At the most basic level, we feel the difference. Sometimes I feel it can be a combination of the two. In which case, we must address what part of ourselves is holding us back from loving that action/part of ourselves fully and completely.

This led me to thinking that some of us develop habits to get love, one being a search for pity. But what then, is the difference between Pity and Compassion. Here again is what I have discovered:

Pity is felt for what we do not have, have not experienced, cannot lend our understanding. Compassion exceeds pity. Compassion is a form of love that lifts up without hold or limitation. Compassion is given to others once we have given it to ourselves. Compassion sets us free from our past, and liberates others from a place of forgiveness.

I thought about the various tools we use to try and organize ourselves and our lives: meditation, self-help books and teachers, therapy, and realized this is a means to an end. However, here is where more automatic writing came over me, explaining the nature of progression in the realm we live:

We begin on the most basic levels in our spiritual journey--the ability to manipulate our reality by giving it tools to help us. But this is only the first step of the journey. In what is to come, we will see not only spiritual comprehension, but the evolution of thought. The tools we now use and possess are the byproducts of our current manifested capabilities, but will be rendered obsolete as humans realize their innate connection to the abundance of information which is available to them at any moment.

Not sure who this being was, or if it was a byproduct of my subconscious, or what exactly. I did have a vision of a scene with a figure in sandy gold room with sunset lighting and brown shadows. However, this is all I have to share on this for now.

Peace!